For 10 minutes of my life yesterday I totally lost it!
My sanity, my dignity, my mind, my ability to cope, my patience, hell I might have even lost my Zen.
I am not even sure what caused it, maybe my stab at getting the date and rate right because I wanted to fit in, part 3 of Q & A and the feeling I was on another 2am truth call waiting for the 800s, all the stupid native post I should not have read and did, everywhere I looked I found disappointment in myself for even being here.
And then, like that, I found it, "Blast Back Off" I did.
I thought about how there was someone out there, who has been in this thing twice as long as I have, and he's probably lost it a whole lot more times then I have. Good company I think I keep.
So I asked myself, what did I really loose? My faith? My Hope? My Love? No, I did not lose those, because those are all now permanent fixtures in my life. What I lost was my belief in myself, that I deserve everything that is coming to me. I did not give up on anyone out there I gave up on someone in here. I got mad at God, I got mad at everyone out there, but what I really got mad at, was me. For spending over 4 years of my life daring to dream that a better world was coming, believing that we the people could fix this broken world, that good would triumph over evil. Believing that it would all work out.
I will tell you now that I would not trade those 10 minutes for anything. I know those minutes were all about surrender. My deep surrender to the will of God. Giving up sometimes is just that, giving in.
I use to speak every year at the graduating class in the town were our employment agency was located, because who knew more about getting out there and getting a job than I did. I told the graduating class every year, that the difference between success and failure in thier life was going to be what they did in a very short period of time. That period of time when they were cruising along and everything seemed perfect, they were on top of the world and then out of nowhere they were going to be hit by something unexpected and it would knocked them down. I said what they did at that moment would change their lives forever, if they laid there and wallowed in thier misery and decided that was where they deserved to be, they would fail in life. However I told them if they got up, quickly, dusted themselves off, got a little more determined and charge back into life, they would find true success. Because real success is found in your attitude on the journey, not in how you feel standing at your destination.
So today I got up dusted myself off and put on my bank clothes. Sat down to write this post, because, we got a journey to make.
I may have been this close to losing it but I was also that close to finding it.
I know I AM, "it," so surrender I do!
I love you all and now, let's go to the bank.
Cowboy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDdvReNKKuk