Stronger

 The boys have become more challenging than I ever remember.  They are so smart. And articulate. And determined.  And I like to be in control. The mix is... well... not good.  I liked when I was the boss, and they did what I said without saying, "But, but, but..." or "No," or screaming & rolling on the floor like wild animals. I miss telling them what to wear without outbursts about how they want shorts and I'm wrong about the weather.  I miss feeding them what I wanted without being told it was "yucky" or "going to give me a tummy ache." I miss being told the truth.  I also miss my sidekick. Their dad.

Today in the car I was telling the boys that it's hard for mommy some days because parenting is for two parents and I don't have Daddy here right now. Then Jack said, "Maybe Samuel could be the daddy." It nearly broke my heart.  

 On top of how much we all miss Josh, I got bad news.

We won't be leaving as soon as we had hoped.  We won't be leaving until Christmas. It hurts to even type it. I can't believe it's going to be that long before I see him again.  He'll have been gone nearly 20 weeks when he gets home.  The baby will be six months old. School in Marshall doesn't let out for Christmas break until December 23rd. That's three long months until we are together.

He told me yesterday. I don't know that it has really sunk in. Housing is estimated to be completed end of October, which means he will likely get keys mid-November, and then I'll ship our stuff up (which takes 3-4 weeks) and by then it wouldn't make any sense to leave- it'd be early December anyway. So we made the heart wrenching decision to wait until he has two weeks off.  On paper, it makes sense... He has plenty of time off, he'll be able to fly home, visit family & friends, celebrate the holidays, help me tie up loose ends here at our duplex, and be here for the New Year. Then we'll be able to take our time in Anchorage doing any shopping that needs done and getting the paperwork end of things taken care of.  On paper it makes sense.

But in my heart, in my heart, that doesn't matter. In my heart, I don't care if we spend the holidays here or not. I just want to be together. I want to fall asleep in his arms. I want his help with the boys. I want someone to catch me. I'm falling.

I have been learning to ask for help. It's really difficult for me. But with so much responsibility on my shoulders, I can't possibly do it all myself.  I hate asking, but I am surrounded by people who love me, and whom I know don't mind.

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger

-Sara Evans