I told myself that I was honing my brain against the inevitable aging process, although science now says that this type of brain exercise is offering meager to non existent benefit. And we would all be better off if we took a walk for 30 minutes a day. Regardless, I was enjoying the past time up until yesterday, Sunday. I was making slow progress throughout the day, but during the day I had to go into the office to try and finish a project that I need for this week. It was one of those mind stretching exercises that at the end I could not push my way through totally as I had expended the extent of my capacity for a Sunday afternoon. Final assembly will wait another day.
Afterwards, I stopped to buy some grass seed as I like to seed throughout the winter so that when the ground thaws, the seed is already worked in and just waiting to burst forth with a new carpet of green.
I also like to wind off of weekend office attendance in one fashion or another, so I get a feeling that I have had some weekend. On arrival at home, the dog was way to excited by my return, so obliged him and took him for a long mid afternoon walk. Now I was sufficiently wound down to enjoy the remainder of Sunday afternoon, so I picked up the crossword puzzle I had started earlier. In the midst of struggling over 56 across or 72 down, a thought crept into my head. January is almost over.
the next thought pushed its way in with force. Next month is February and I sit here doing a crossword puzzle and with a sucker punch to the gut, I was transported in time back 50 years to 1968, a Sunday in February, cold but bright, my father and I struggling over the New York Times Crossword when my brother burst through the front door screaming there was a problem outside.
In panicked response, my father and I ran outside, a younger brother had collapsed and he died right there on our front lawn in our presence. There was no explanation and despite the hurried race to the emergency room there was no change or hope.
There was no warning and no indication of where my powerful stream of thoughts were coming from. Had I overtaxed my brain on my project of earlier in the day ? Was it some form of thought fatigue ? I was not disturbed by the chain of thoughts, almost as if I have been waiting their arrival
and here they were 50 years in coming, but how were they triggered.
I remember clearly, the large group of kids, in those days large groups of kids played together outdoors, begin to slink away in a nervous and upset, but very eerily silent procession to their respective homes. All heads bowed, eyes lowered, several sobbing even as my father whisked my brother up and into the car on a made effort to get to the hospital, even though it would be to no avail. They did not know what to do or to make of it. Pretty much my feeling for a long time after, I did not know what to make of it. But yesterday I was struck by the remembrance of time and my feeling that the loss of a brother 50 years ago had somehow imprinted itself into my life's course and into my own personality and demeanor. My younger self was always somewhat of an anxious person worrying of what was to become the future, even as I plodded into the future and a life that was for all purposes pretty good. Did the worry keep all problems at bay, not at all, but I feel that anticipation of issues does ameliorate the sting of some of them. I think some of the compensation was in the form of work and frugality and plain living. I guess in my mind living high would be tempting disaster.
Too soon old
I had to put down the crossword of yesterday as I could not finish it, really finding that I could no longer even look at it.. I was that rocked. I wonder if it is possible to carry these types of things bolted down in your head for so long. I think that those in my large family were effected for a longtime, especially those immediately present, but of that I am not sure and not likely to ask them, for these are private types of thought.
There was for sure a change in my family dynamic from that point forward.. There is little doubt in my mind that the grief of parents who lose a child is among the most painful of life's tragedies.. I suspect that it is not much different for siblings who lose a sibling. I think I will need to figure it out the effects.. Because several days now gone by have not dislodged the ideas from my head.Too late smart
I kind of suspected
In the years following two other siblings died in adulthood, but before reaching life expectancy.
Which causes me to think that we ought to be paying better attention to the process of grief and grieving and not just grieving death of a loved one, but things like loss of job or loss of relationship in the case of divorce.
I guess it behooves us to pay more attention. and not too quick to jump on the life goes on wagon before we really sort things out.