I mean, really. Who among has has NOT tried to murder their spouse "by tampering with [their] parachute and fiddling with a gas valve to their home — so [they] could be free of [them] for good and be with their Tinder lover?"
That's what I'd like to know.
Marriage is a slog. I know this. You know this. We all know this. You love your spouse, sure, but even the best marriages are just a lot of work.
Who took in the mail? Did you leave the stove on? Who's picking the kids up from day care? And can I tamper with your parachute by removing key components such that you plunge to your near-certain death from a solo jump at 40,000 feet and suffer critical injuries but fail to die so that I can't collect on your life insurance and use the proceeds to run away with my Tinder lover after all, as I had meticulously planned for a week?
We've ALL been there. Just cohabiting with another person can really put you at your wits' end. The happiest couples in the world sometimes lock horns over the littlest things.
Like why are all the socks mismatched, was it really necessary to buy an original issue Derek Jeter jersey from Yankees.com for $126.99, why can you never load the dishwasher to the proper capacity, how did the kids end up in our bed AGAIN, where'd all our money go, did you remember to feed the frog, and why did you encourage me to go skydiving with an intentionally-damaged parachute two days after you created a gas leak in our house so I would die of carbon monoxide poisoning and you could marry Stefanie from Tinder and when that didn't work went to Plan B and then I STILL didn't die?!
Only in this day and age--when no one seems to be able to settle their petty grievances like ADULTS anymore--would a story like this even be considered newsworthy.
