Good to talk to you again. This has been quite a week. One of the hardest in a really long time. I'm doing good though. Here in the office stuff is pretty normal, I've just been doing my thing like always and trying my best. On Sunday we went and visited that family I mentioned last week again and taught them and invited them to be baptized. We had kind of a lukewarm response :( but it's nothing I'm not used to. We will keep trying. They are a really awesome family and they invited us to go back which I guess is a good sign!
This morning we played frisbee golf with President Bangerter and the assistants again and it was really fun. I broke my record and only went 21 over par today. (President came over to me and asked, "you spent more time with piano than baseball as a kid didn't you?") Well what can I say. The funniest and kinda stupid thing that happened is that I started running after my frisbee going down a hill and at the bottom there was this cement path and I jumped kinda farther than I meant to and fell and skinned my knees. I even ripped holes in some used sweats I found the other day. Forget 17 again, I'm 6 again. But like I said we had a really good time.
So I should probably mention why this week was hard. I have been having a really hard time with anxiety. On Tuesday and Wednesday at night I felt really bad anxiety and on Thursday the whole day basically. It was really bad, probably the worst it's been since the very beginning of my mission. I'm not exactly sure why but I think it could be related to a few things, like my change of pace being here in the office. I have had such a hard time pushing out negative and unwanted thoughts. I have been praying so much for help and so on. It's just that so many feelings of failure and fear about the future and worry about the past have been pushing themselves into my brain and it is paralyzing. I started this word document on this computer where when I get really bad I just dump all my thoughts and follow them a little bit to try to beat them with logic. You know, beating anxious thoughts at their own game haha. On Tuesday I think I read a talk by Neal A. Maxwell I really was touched by called "Encircled in the Arms of His Love" or something. I was praying so hard to know what I could do to be a better missionary and person and I had the impression while reading this talk that what God was wanting for me was to exercise more faith in His promises and have more hope for the future. Then on Thursday I was really thinking about it and writing down my feelings and had again the strong impression that my anxiety is a part of life sometimes and it comes and goes, but that is not an excuse for me, in this case especially, to doubt what I have already felt from the Spirit and been promissed in priesthood blessings. I decided to make a comittment to God to more actively exercise faith in His promises and "hush my fears" just like David A. Bednar talked about a while back. That actually helped me a lot and the last couple of days I've felt some anxiety but it has not dominated my thoughts any more. A lot of my worrying is about my mission, if I've done enough, if I'm doing enough, if I'll do enough, if I've somehow failed or am failing, and based on what I know and have felt, I'm actually doing ok and God is proud of me. So I've actively put those fears to rest and have been feeling a lot better.
I'm fasting today and asking for more help in everything. I really feel that God loves me. I was saying a prayer a few minutes ago actually and felt really strongly the love God has for me. I also have felt so strongly in my life this week the presence of His grace. I can feel and I know with all my heart that He is helping me to be better than I can be alone, that He is giving me strength, blessing me with the Spirit, and giving me the space and time I need to grow while helping me through it. It's not always easy but He is so merciful and loving and if we're trying He is there every step of the way and blessing us. I love God and I want to serve Him the best way possible. I feel confident that things will work out the way they're supposed to, that I will look back at the end of my mission and feel very satisfied and grateful, and that God will continue to keep blessing me and helping me. He is with me and ever since I can remember when I call out He has been there to help me in my trials. I haven't always been perfect but He helps me to be better.
Love you guys. Mom I hope you had fun in Hawaii. I'm super jealous! And good luck with your new job. I agree with you -- I think it'll suit you and that it will be wonderful for you. Dad I hope you have a good time at your training. It is so awesome that you are an editor now!!!! I hope your classes are going well. I think you both are the best. I feel so much pride in you both and pray all the time thanking God for having both of you as parents. You guys are special. Don't let my worries get you guys down. Know that above all I am being protected and blessed always and that I'm having the experiences I'm supposed to be having.
Love you guys tons!!!!!!!!! Have a great week!!!!!!!!!!
Beijos,
Elder Sederholm
