I don't even remember what's happened this week! It's been kinda crazy, and good. I have been feeling pretty anxious from time to time but it's been a lot more under control for sure. I'm doing good. Last Sunday, we visited the family of some recent converts that live here and it was really nice. We are going to be working with them. The dad has been going to church for over a month and we feel like that family really has a lot of potential. We're excited to get to work and so on. Stuff in the office has been normal. It's actually been a little bit calmer the last couple days because we're in between big events right now but pretty soon stuff is gonna start heating up again with the transfer. We're excited about that! It's good when there's a lot to do but of course it's nice when things are a little chiller as well.
I've been feeling a little stressed this week which is normal. It's all just normal worries so I'm trying to take it in stride. Sometimes I think there are certain blessings I want and for a long time I've felt like they'll come and have even been told they'll come in priesthood blessings and so on, but then they don't come, and lately I've been feeling tempted to lose faith in these promised blessings. I've been praying for strenth. God has really been blessing me too. I had a spiritual experience on Thursday. I had been worrying about whether I had been doing enough. I worry about that all the time. While sorting out our cell phone stock I was listening to some hymns (and detail, my companion was in the other room using the phone) and "How Firm a Foundation" came on. You guys are probably tired of hearing this story because this is like the tenth time this has happened but I'm not making this up haha, but I wasn't even really paying attention and then I started to feel the Spirit really strongly. I felt really settled in that moment. I had the impression that I just need to do my thing, to keep putting in my best efforts, and that things will work out, and that things are only going to get better from here on out. It was almost like God was saying to me: "This is where it gets good. Just keep going, you can do it. I am that same God who has always been with you since the beginning. I love you." I don't know why God is so merciful. I definitely don't merit it and I don't know if I ever will -- maybe it would even be presumptuous to say I could merit it. But He gives His love to us anyway and helps us. I think about what Jeffery R. Holland said that one time about how God doesn't just give His blessings to those who keep all the commandments but to those who strive to do so. Well, I'm definitely striving. God absolutely does not want us to give up. I watched the Face2Face that happened this week and really liked what one guy said. He said he feels like sometimes God is just happy if we say, "I want to try." If that's the most we can muster up, He accepts it. You guys know me and how I am and I find that very comforting. I want to be better than I am, and I've been feeling pretty sad because there are so many things about myself that I just wish were different, and for all my efforts I just don't get there, and sometimes it seems like I'm actually further away than I used to be, but I think when I start to compare myself to others it gets worse. I find when I focus my sights on God I feel better and it's easier for me to do my best, avoid discouragement, and keep going. I guess that in other words, if I say, "man I wish I was like so and so," or "I wish I was like that, or had that talent," or so on, I get discouraged. But when I say "I felt the Spirit confirm to me today that God is proud of me and that He thinks I'm doing a good job," or "I may not be perfect, but I am sure I'm on the right path," or "God has promised me blessings so I shouldn't be discouraged," I feel better. I feel more motivated and positive too.
This week I started to feel really discouraged. Especially yesterday was really hard for me and I began to feel really discouraged, just thinking that nothing's ever gonna work out, that my service is pointless and so on. Oddly, I don't think God really measures the value of our service by the outward results. Isn't that weird? We talk so much about baptism and these types of things here but I'm convinced that if we served with all our hearts and didn't baptize anyone, God would be proud of us anyway. And He wouldn't see us as failures. I want SO BADLY to just have one opportunity -- just one -- to meet someone, teach them about the church, see that light come on in their eyes like everyone talks about, and baptize that person and see them stay active and give service and help others. I don't really feel like I've had that chance yet. I want that and when I see others, especially people I admire, who have that chance, I feel so far away from where I want to be. It's not for lack of trying either -- I pray for our investigators, I serve them, I love them sincerely, I teach them, and I just don't get it. I would even just be happy to have made a difference in someone's life, and I feel like I haven't made a significant impact on very many people. That is discouraging sometimes, and it wears me down a little bit, but I think what God wants me to realize is that while it's a wonderful thing to be able to meet and baptize someone, it's not the ultimate end goal. If it were, the missionaries who didn't baptize would be defined as failures. They would have failed. But in Preach My Gospel, the definition of success is different. And in my heart I know God does not think I'm a failure. I don't know why certain blessings are being withheld for the present but I'm officially ok with it. I have faith in God. He has never failed me or left me alone, and like it says in the scriptures He is the same yesterday, today and forever. The one thing He askes of me is that I do my best, that I do it consistently, and that I repent when I get off track. The gospel has not changed for me just because I'm a missionary.
Anyway, that kind of stuff has been on my mind this week. Yesterday I had a funny and really neat experience. I was praying last night that we could just find someone to teach that would accept the gospel. I prayed really really hard. A little while later we were trying to get in touch with some investigators and were sitting at a bus stop. We weren't able to get through to the family and we were hungry so we went to a restaurant close by. I said to my companion, "Today we're gonna find someone sweet and super elect that we'll be able to baptize." My companion laughed and said, "yeah, this person's gonna come up to us and say, man, I love your church and I want to get baptized, along with my whole family." Well we went to the restaurant and the lady who took our order asked us what we wanted, and then she stopped, looked at us, and said, "you know, I just love your church! I went there one time and thought it was so amazing! I've always wanted to go back!" I got chills. We marked an appointment with her this Tuesday! I had also been praying yesterday that I could have more faith in God's promises and that (is this pharasiacal?) I could just see a little bit of what God had in store for us, like a little blessing in terms of a new investigator or something. So that was a really neat and spiritual experience. I'm just so grateful to be a missionary. It's making me a better person, I think, and I definitely feel like I've been blessed to draw closer to God during this time. I'm excited to see what's coming next!
Love you guys. Hope you (Mom) are having fun in Hawaii (thanks for the pictures!! Jealous!!!), and that you (Dad) are doing good at home -- it sounds like you have a lot of responsibilites and a lot going on, but I know you're rocking it and will continue to do a great job. You got this. Thanks for the emails too. Dad I really enjoyed your suggestions and like the scriptures you sent me. You guys are great and really make this a lot easier on me too. This had never come into my mind before my mission really but I'm so grateful to have been born in a family strong in the church with two active member parents. So many of the missionaries here are recent converts and the only members in their family, and I can't even imagine what it would be like to be the only member in my family. I think it would be so hard. So thanks for being great and for being you. I owe you guys. (understatement of the year award)
Love you guys so much! Have a great week!!!!!
Elder Sederholm
p.s. I took pictures this week!
A fun member family that we met this week. The wife made brigadeiro, which is something I'm gonna teach you guys how to make. It's basically chocolate with... stuff. It's so good.
I literally bought this just so that I could take the picture. "What do you call a quarter-pounder with cheese..."
Me feeling really happy. This was the first time I've eaten at McDonald's in Brazil ever, and I've been here a year, so I'm a little embarrassed. If you're wondering, it's exactly like in the US, just a little more expensive.
My companion was hungrier than me I guess! I've been getting a little fat. I've already gained 8 pounds!!