Note from the Editor in Chief:-
Dear readers. As part of International Talk Like a Pirate Day, Erin brings you a special story of Daring Do, and Love on the High Seas! We hope you'll enjoy.... Look out for the sequel
There is a little Pirate music for your entertainment, if this is not to your liking please feel free to stop it using the button....
There is nothing quite like a nice peaceable nap in ones own bed, or beds as I do have rather a lot to choose from, to make a feline feel warm and safe.
Not that I have anything to worry about as the moat keeps the most ardent of meter readers at bay and there haven't been marauders or pirates in these parts for many a year. Though they do still tell tales of times gone by when tall ships sailed up the loch in the dead of night in search of buried gold, or a safe harbour, a warm cot and bowl of cream.
Of course the most important thing for a good nap is to have had a good evening meal beforehand. However I can truly say that it is NOT good practice to eat cheese just before going to bed, in case of bad dreams. Of course, being a hardened cheese connoisseur, I have become immune to such things......
Some time later.........
Arrrr, well shiver me timbers another day dawns aboard the good ship SS ERINEE. I really do need to see the ships carpenter and get that draughty window fixed!
Anyways, here we are, set sail on our 5-year mission to pillage and plunder our way across the seas from Boston to the Carib and back to dear old Blighty in search of fantastical treasures, all to take home to our ruler the good and benevolent Queen Nellie.
Yup, when it comes to having a nose for finest golden cream nuggets, I'm your girl!
And of course, there is always that new-fangled leaf they distil into the heavenly brew called Niptinium™ and them ships carrying fresh supplies of the green leaf from the New World are a great prize for a pirate in need of a good time. And all thanks to that jolly good egg Capt'n Jack Sparro-weater who discovered Nip being transported by the evil Queen of Spain.
Hmm.... all seems far too quiet around this 'ere ship. I expected to hear knaves swabbing the decks and heave-ho'n around. I mean that is what they usually do after one of the ships cooks Friday night special Brussels sprout curries!
Safest place to be after one of those babies, is the crow's nest with a supply of clothes pegs. Arrrr!
I wonder where everyone can be? It's not a Bank Holiday as we did one of those last week in Jamaica, five banks in fact and a pretty good haul of cream it was too. Arrr!
*****Squeaking sounds from outside the cabin door.... *****
Strange, I thought I heard mice. There are NO mice on the SS ERINEE not on my watch... well actually I do have Micky and Minnie on my watch but that's a gift from a distant admirer in the New World, the Dashing Count Prince von Valentino of O-R-E Gon, though where it actually has gone he doesn't ever say.
OH, if only I were good enough for the sweet Count.... Still once I've made my fortune and been given a knighthood I shall be able to put myself forwards in polite society and hold my head up high, whiskers out, and look forwards to my name being synonymous with all things good. Maybe one day once they invent computers I could have a blog named after me! OK so maybe I need to stop eating cheese before the suns dipped under the yardarm, but a gal can dream....
Best check what's up with the crew. If them scurvy cats have been at the silvervine grog it will be the dog-o-nine-tails for them!
"Right you scurvy......... Er...... Mice? Umm, excuse me but this is MY ship and I don't seem to recall saying that mice were allowed on board!" I said to the mouse who, hands on hips and standing on his hind legs, stood before.
"Squeak. It's CAPTAIN to you, cat. I'm Captain El Mignon Mouse-Morsels, pride of the Spanish Pirate fleet, the scourge of the seas and larders throughout the known kingdom, and this 'ere is a hi-jacking. Arrr," said the decidedly plump pirate mouse, no bigger than, well, a mouse really. "Give us all your cheese and cream or the crew gets it!"
"Hang on a moment," I said, "I don't think you are in a position to threaten ME! I mean I'm the Cat'ptain of this here boat and what I says goes. ARRRRR! AND if you'd not quite noticed, I am rather a tad bigger than yourself and...."
"Yeoooow! Ouch! Cripes that hurt... What the.... OUCH! Mind what you're doing with those spikes will you, you could do a cat a mischief with that!" I turned around and was confronted with a band of three mice brandishing tiny cutlasses, and sporting very ill-fitting boots and waistcoats.
"Well will you look at that, if it ain't the Three Mouskateers gone rogue. And what's with all the cocktail sticks?" Peering down what I first took to be cutlasses were intact cocktail sticks with neatly chewed pineapple lumps as the blade's guard.
"Avast, you lily livered son of a Long Tom," the pirate mouse captain all but screamed at me, "shift ye fat caboose over this here plank else I'll set me crew on ye. They've not had the taste of a cat for nigh on a month and their taste buds are twitching more than a fiddler's fingers on cat gut fiddle. And by the looks of it there will be plenty of gut to go around today if you don't divvy up your loot...Arrr"
"What, with cocktail sticks? I don't think so," I scoffed.
"Cast nastercians on a pirate's sword, would ye! Well get this into that feather filled brain of yours, we mean to have ye cargo," the mouse squeaked. "We have you by the short and curly whiskers and there's nothing you can do but surrender your cheese to us and save a short walk and a long drop to Davey Jones' locker!"
"Hmm. What if I refuse? I mean I'm a cat and I can't really see why I should do anything for you, you're only three inches high and that's including the block heels on those boots, which is sooo last year's fashion. But if you wait another one hundred they'll be back in again, for sure!" I gave the mouse one of my best fashionista stares whilst I stroked the goatee I'd been cultivating.
"Will ye quit petting that confounded beast," the mouse said, "do ye not know goats are a curse on a ship, will bring the 'black spot of death' down on yer quicker than you can say St Elmo's...... Er...... something or other?!
"Black spot you say, well that is excellent news!" I said. "There was me thinking it was something bad and we'd got mildew in the rigging and was about to send the sails out for dry cleaning. Think of the money I've saved! Now look little pirate mouse guy, nice though this chat is, what I really want is......"
But before I could finish the mouse rounded on me, and with a clearly reddening face and puffed out chest, shouted....
"SILENCE, you scurvy sea mammal, if you don't comply I'll introduce your furry Everton Mint coloured hide to 'Frank the Freakin' Huge', he's from a yet to be discovered continent called OZ." With that the mice all around me started to wave their cocktail sticks and shouted "Freakin' Frank, Freakin' Frank" in ever increasing shrill and animated fashion.
Then suddenly it stopped and the mice all ran behind the captain. Turning to see what was behind me and the reason for the mice's fear, I was confronted with the most gigantic mouse ye ever laid your eyes on. Arrr!
We eyed each other up and down. Mentally I checked off all a mouse's attributes to see if this guy was really a mouse. Long tail? yup. Shortish front legs and longer back? yup. Long pointy nose and irritating chewing habit? yup. Long hopping stride and weird accent? Not sure, but anything's possible after some of that cheap Nip grog!
"Arrr, G'day sport." Freakin' Frank said. "Give 'em the cheese or your crew gets to swim with the fishes, OK! OH, if ye have any tinnys of grog, mines Ye Fosters!"
Well you could have knocked me over with a nip mouse. How often do you find a talking elephant with boxing gloves on your ship?
"Umm, G'day Frank," I offered my paw out to the beast, "how's about we parlez over this, pirate to.... er.... elephant? I mean I can be quite reasonable and don't want to hurt anyone. And I do want to see my crew again. By the way where are the mangy swabs?"
Turning back to look at the dastardly Captain Mignon, I realised that I'd unwittingly edged away from Frank towards the ships railings, and a plank that extended over the side and out to sea. And I could now see hanging from one of the ship's booms a net, and it was within that the ship's crew now found themselves resting, in true feline fashion, having an afternoon siesta.
A lazy breeze gently moved the boat to and fro and as it did the net lowered towards the water dampening the sleeping cats' tails before lifting back up again. Well if that swell gets up much more, I mused, I won't have to have the crew scrubbed down for their annual wash and flea treatment! I wonder if I could get them to wash the sails too whilst they're down there?
Edging my way backwards from the railings I turned and was halted by a firm jab to the nose from Freakin' Frank.
"Meoooooowch, that smarted! What was that for!" I managed in a nasal tone through a now throbbing nose. "I think you broke my whiskers! And I'd just had them done in Gibraltar too. If you ever want things flattened, Straights of Gibraltar is the shop to go. Arrr"
"Strewth mate, you could talk the hind legs off a dingo! Now look, sport," Frank said in an annoying accent. "these 'ere rodents bushwhacked me back in my home town of Purrth and have been holding my Joey captive out by the billabongs, and I can tell you mate, that ain't a pretty site!"
"If I don't do their bidding he's a goner. So be a good pom and hand over the cheese and cream and we'll be on our way to the Queen of Spains cocktail pawty. OH, and for your information I'm NOT an elephant, I'm a bleeding Kanga-roo, mate!"
Despite a solid punch, I couldn't help feel for Frank's Joey being held by the billabong. I mean all the flies and risk of crocs would be terrible for the complexion! So I decided there and then to get this poor overgrown boxing mouse out and home, and maybe squeeze some of profit on the side.
"Do you mean, I've been attacked by badly dressed mouse pirates and a Cocker-poo in search of cheese for their cocktail sticks? REALLY!"
I gasped realising I'd never live down the embarrassment of it all at Queen Nellie's court, if word got out I'd lost the ship's cargo of Premium Nova Scotia Canadian mature Cheddar. But not just any premium cheddar, no ma'am, this was from Premier Seville's private stocks no less. I'd be lucky to get out of London and make it to the Isle of Man with my tail still intact. MOUSES!
Frank gave me another jab to the nose "It's Kangaroo NOT Cockerpoo, you dimwit!" And turned to bounce off in a sulk, but in doings so his large tail walloped me in the chest and sent me tumbling down the plank and out to sea with a less than lady like "Plooosh" sound.
"Ooops! Sorry mate," Frank cried, "should have warned you to give the tail a wide berth. Still, on a hot day like today you can catch some rays maybe, of the fishy kind that is!"
"Erm excuse me, cat overboard! I have rights you know. You can't leave me here on my own! What about the Pirate Code?!" I managed to gargle as I did a cat paddle to stay afloat.
Arrr, squeaked Captain Le Mignon, you have I fine point there, Cat'ptain Erin, but they're more guide lines really, and so here's my guideline; if you swims straight for another mile or so you'll reach that there ship on the horizon that's bearing down on us as we speak. If you save your breath I think a cat like you can manage it. And if you don't manage it, you'll......
"Be a very soggy moggy?" I interjected before he could finish his quote. "Or maybe ready for a nice cheese sandwich?"
"Sharks fin! Incoming!" Shouted one of the mouse crew as it pointed its cocktail stick my way.
"Well that was good of you to order out. At a push that will do nicely," I said, "So long as there's a nice side salad and a fine Nip port to wash it down with. Nice to see standards aren't slipping amongst the sisterhood of pirates."
"Ha! You're a fine one to joke about meals with them there sharks coming this way, Arrr." Le Mignon scoffed "But you'll be shark bait soon enough so won't that be ironic, a kitty eaten by a fish!"
"Captain, captain, that there yonder ship is Persian Cat of War ship, and she's dropped her black floofy sails and making for us at full speed!!!!" squeaked the mouse second mate, who on thinking about it, I mused, was probably a first cousin too!
"Damnations to them Persians!" Le Mignon growled, "With all that floof to catch the wind they'll be on us in no time if we don't lighten the load and make sail! Hoist the Jolly Roger drop the rest of them cats in the brine and lower the sails, you scurvy mice. We'll be away with the prize before they can say Niptini, shaken not stirred!"
With a sadistic chuckle, Le Mignon turned and cut free the net holding my crew, still asleep, and sent them ploooshing into the sea behind me.
"You'll pay for this," I screamed, "I'll be sending you the laundry bill, and hand cream bill too as salt plays havoc with cotton and the paws on wash day!"
"Cat'ptain," said the sleepy Scottish voice of the ships engineer who had paddled up beside me, "I think we've sprung a leak! Either that or the water fountains bigger than I recall? Did we no pack any inflatable loungers? The crew and I could sure do with drying off and catching up on our tans! Arrr"
"Sorry Scottie, I hate to say it but I'm all out of loungers. Do you have the mobile communication device I got from Home De-Port last time we were ashore? I think we may still be in range of the transmission mast you rigged in the crow's nest!
"Aye captain, I have it here in me sporran, in one of those natty contains with blue lids we pillaged from the Scandinavian Merchantman The SS Ikea!" Scottie opened the box proudly proffered the communications device to me."
"Who ye going to call?" he said. "Ye haven't a ghost of a chance of getting customer service team at this time! What about Uber?"
"Great plan, Scottie, but I have another call to make which may be quicker!" I hit speed dial to the Association of Pirates and after going through the usual options, press one for Home Start, two Plundering, three for Treasure maps, and eventually got to the option I wanted, namely press nine one one for rescue from being marooned or dumped overboard! Within seconds a fleet, or should I say school, of fish came to give us a tow.
"What's this?" Scottie said all shaken by the presence of fins streaking through the water.
"This my Scottish mate, is what's called the 'Pirates COD'. I got the Gold Cod Card last year for just such an emergency!"
"Right," I shouted to the crew, "NO chewing or clawing at our rides out of here, and NO skipping off without tipping else we'll be white balled from the Club Pirate!"
"But where ye headed, Cat'ptain?" Scottie shouted above the sound of the wake from the now racing cod, "Surely not to the Persian Cat o' War?"
"Aye Scottie, It's our only hope." I said, trying to avoid the spray completely ruining my 'Chanel Pour Pirate, No.9' cologne. "These Cod are only good for local trips, and I made a collect SOS call so we'll have to fall on the mercy of that ship's captain and hope they pay up!"
Moments later we were alongside the warship, all dark and sinister and brooding. A cat tree, made of sumptuous red velvet, had been lowered for us and we climbed our way up to the deck.
"OH my Bast!" I exclaimed, as we all stood mouth open, agog at the sumptuous surroundings that we found ourselves in. This is beyond epic, aye, its Epically Epic as Pirate Cat'ptain Basil would say. I wonder how they keep this deck carpeting so clean? And those sails, it must take a week of naps to keep them shipshape"
Before I could say more, a voice from the poop deck, which isn't where they keep the litter boxes, hailed the crew and I. "Welcome aboard, Pirate Cat'ptain, and crew, I think you are at my pleasure now and your plundering days are over! The gallows will await you on our return. Though maybe not if you tell me SECRET. The secret of El Creamado and the famed Golden Double Cream mines."
I spun to see who it was that was now my captor and threatened my demise. I know I was classed as a Senior Pirate at age eleven but still I'd had all my shots and expected to go on for many more years yet and get my knighthood and have a nice palace in the country, you know the stuff...
"It is I, the Cat'ptain, and this is the day you'll remember as the day you almost had......" But before I could proceed, my eyes met with the Persian Cat'ptain's and even though I wore sash in pink across my face to hide my features, and he a sash of finest black silk with a family crest stitched in finest red and gold silk thread, I knew somehow somewhere we had met.
Strange attire for a Cat'ptain of the Royal Fleet, I mused.
There was a sparkle in his eyes, did her recognise me too, I pondered? Or was this some trick to lure information as to El Creamado?
"Bring her too me, please." he shouted to two of the long and short haired ship panthers, that crewed the ship. "And be quick about it too, and then set else we'll have the Royal Navy after us, for sure."
"Well well well. Cat'ptain I don't seem to have had the pleasure, what mane do ye go by, did ye go by?" He corrected himself and smiled, but not a malicious smile but a sweet and strangely alluring smile that highlighted the good and beautiful green eyes that dazzled and entranced me like the head-lanterns on a cart will a rabbit.
I drew a breath and pulled myself from the eyes, the pools of light that seemed to hypnotise me like a sirens call.
"Fair black and floofi Cat'ptain, a fine ship ye have here and no mistake. But you fly no flag that I can see, and that is strange dress for a sailor of the Royal Persian Fleet?
I cannot see thy face or countenance and feel your manners somewhat lacking grace for as a Lady, and worth two of any tom that sailed the seas, a Gentlecat should introduce himself first. Aye that he should." I said and half expecting to be rebuked for the cheek.
"Well said, even for a Pirate LADY! And I have no qualm about giving thee my name though you shall not live to use it, as it is meant only for one, the one I love." And with that the Floofi Persian Cat'ptain doffed his hat and in a flourish bowed before me.
"Let me introduce myself, my name is Dashing Count Prince von Valentino late of O-R-E Gon, though where it's GON I'm not sure. And verily this is no fleet ship but the good ship the Black Floof, scourge of the oceans and bound for the Indies to trade our and your pirate booty!"
Well you could have knocked me over with a nip mouse and rolled me in cream and sprinkled me with grated cheese, though not the Premiers as that would be theft!
"OH my" I said. "It is I Erin your beloved and....." I ripped off my silken disguise and let it fall to the black floofi decking. We stared at each other for what seemed an eternity and then ran to each other's paws and embraced as long lost lovers, as kin.
"OH my Prince, how is this so? Why are you here, what errand brings you to sea when I thought you were a desk jockey?" I looked in astonishment at the fine figure of floofiness that cut the dash in his silken pantaloons and feathered tricorn hat before me, and started to cry. "I am undone and my secret life is laid bare before thee, and the lowly life I have taken up to make my fortune to be worthy of your love is discovered."
"OH Erin, I too am undone, but that is purely a tailoring issue! Ah yes, this whole persona is but a charade to prove myself worthy of thy simple beauty. A simple Counts life seemed to boring for the exciting life I wanted you to have, so I chose to sail the seas and make my name, and have tales to tell our kittens, and they their kittens. With tears in both our eyes we let go and took each other's paws and looked out at the ocean and horizon before us.
"Oh what a fool this age of chivalry and Royal Piracy has made of me, I can see it now." Valentine sighed and pawed a tear from his eye. "You are and always have been my Princess, no matter the ocean or street we sailed down. Let's set sail for adventures and harbours new. What say ye, my sweet Princess Erin, will thee join me? Say Aye, and the world is thy oyster, and all the undiscovered realms I shall name for you, sweet Princess. What say thee?'
"Oh Valentino!"
"Oh Erin!"
"Valentine!"
"Erin!"
"Oh Erin!"
"Erin? where are you? This is the chef, dinner is served in dining hall two. Just how you like it."
The tannoy clicked off, and deafening silence returned.
"Eeek! What's happening?" I jumped from my nice wool duvet in surprise. "Cat overboard! Splice the main brace you scurvy sea cat else that thing will have split ends by morning!"
"Whats going on.... where am I?"
Oh man not again! I thought, this happens in all the dreams and just at the smoochie good bit too. Darn chef, I'll have 'im swing from the yardarm for that. Arrrr!
I wonder what's on the menu? Oooh will you look at that, sharks fin soup followed by Mignon Mouse pineapple and cheese kebabs, my favourite! I wonder how the chef knew?
Copyright.
Dear readers. As part of International Talk Like a Pirate Day, Erin brings you a special story of Daring Do, and Love on the High Seas! We hope you'll enjoy.... Look out for the sequel
There is a little Pirate music for your entertainment, if this is not to your liking please feel free to stop it using the button....
Laugh and Love Like a Pirate. Arrr!
There is nothing quite like a nice peaceable nap in ones own bed, or beds as I do have rather a lot to choose from, to make a feline feel warm and safe.
Not that I have anything to worry about as the moat keeps the most ardent of meter readers at bay and there haven't been marauders or pirates in these parts for many a year. Though they do still tell tales of times gone by when tall ships sailed up the loch in the dead of night in search of buried gold, or a safe harbour, a warm cot and bowl of cream.
Of course the most important thing for a good nap is to have had a good evening meal beforehand. However I can truly say that it is NOT good practice to eat cheese just before going to bed, in case of bad dreams. Of course, being a hardened cheese connoisseur, I have become immune to such things......
Some time later.........
Arrrr, well shiver me timbers another day dawns aboard the good ship SS ERINEE. I really do need to see the ships carpenter and get that draughty window fixed!
Anyways, here we are, set sail on our 5-year mission to pillage and plunder our way across the seas from Boston to the Carib and back to dear old Blighty in search of fantastical treasures, all to take home to our ruler the good and benevolent Queen Nellie.
Yup, when it comes to having a nose for finest golden cream nuggets, I'm your girl!
And of course, there is always that new-fangled leaf they distil into the heavenly brew called Niptinium™ and them ships carrying fresh supplies of the green leaf from the New World are a great prize for a pirate in need of a good time. And all thanks to that jolly good egg Capt'n Jack Sparro-weater who discovered Nip being transported by the evil Queen of Spain.
Hmm.... all seems far too quiet around this 'ere ship. I expected to hear knaves swabbing the decks and heave-ho'n around. I mean that is what they usually do after one of the ships cooks Friday night special Brussels sprout curries!
Safest place to be after one of those babies, is the crow's nest with a supply of clothes pegs. Arrrr!
I wonder where everyone can be? It's not a Bank Holiday as we did one of those last week in Jamaica, five banks in fact and a pretty good haul of cream it was too. Arrr!
*****Squeaking sounds from outside the cabin door.... *****
Strange, I thought I heard mice. There are NO mice on the SS ERINEE not on my watch... well actually I do have Micky and Minnie on my watch but that's a gift from a distant admirer in the New World, the Dashing Count Prince von Valentino of O-R-E Gon, though where it actually has gone he doesn't ever say.
OH, if only I were good enough for the sweet Count.... Still once I've made my fortune and been given a knighthood I shall be able to put myself forwards in polite society and hold my head up high, whiskers out, and look forwards to my name being synonymous with all things good. Maybe one day once they invent computers I could have a blog named after me! OK so maybe I need to stop eating cheese before the suns dipped under the yardarm, but a gal can dream....
Best check what's up with the crew. If them scurvy cats have been at the silvervine grog it will be the dog-o-nine-tails for them!
"Right you scurvy......... Er...... Mice? Umm, excuse me but this is MY ship and I don't seem to recall saying that mice were allowed on board!" I said to the mouse who, hands on hips and standing on his hind legs, stood before.
"Squeak. It's CAPTAIN to you, cat. I'm Captain El Mignon Mouse-Morsels, pride of the Spanish Pirate fleet, the scourge of the seas and larders throughout the known kingdom, and this 'ere is a hi-jacking. Arrr," said the decidedly plump pirate mouse, no bigger than, well, a mouse really. "Give us all your cheese and cream or the crew gets it!"
"Hang on a moment," I said, "I don't think you are in a position to threaten ME! I mean I'm the Cat'ptain of this here boat and what I says goes. ARRRRR! AND if you'd not quite noticed, I am rather a tad bigger than yourself and...."
"Yeoooow! Ouch! Cripes that hurt... What the.... OUCH! Mind what you're doing with those spikes will you, you could do a cat a mischief with that!" I turned around and was confronted with a band of three mice brandishing tiny cutlasses, and sporting very ill-fitting boots and waistcoats.
"Well will you look at that, if it ain't the Three Mouskateers gone rogue. And what's with all the cocktail sticks?" Peering down what I first took to be cutlasses were intact cocktail sticks with neatly chewed pineapple lumps as the blade's guard.
"Avast, you lily livered son of a Long Tom," the pirate mouse captain all but screamed at me, "shift ye fat caboose over this here plank else I'll set me crew on ye. They've not had the taste of a cat for nigh on a month and their taste buds are twitching more than a fiddler's fingers on cat gut fiddle. And by the looks of it there will be plenty of gut to go around today if you don't divvy up your loot...Arrr"
"What, with cocktail sticks? I don't think so," I scoffed.
"Cast nastercians on a pirate's sword, would ye! Well get this into that feather filled brain of yours, we mean to have ye cargo," the mouse squeaked. "We have you by the short and curly whiskers and there's nothing you can do but surrender your cheese to us and save a short walk and a long drop to Davey Jones' locker!"
"Hmm. What if I refuse? I mean I'm a cat and I can't really see why I should do anything for you, you're only three inches high and that's including the block heels on those boots, which is sooo last year's fashion. But if you wait another one hundred they'll be back in again, for sure!" I gave the mouse one of my best fashionista stares whilst I stroked the goatee I'd been cultivating.
"Will ye quit petting that confounded beast," the mouse said, "do ye not know goats are a curse on a ship, will bring the 'black spot of death' down on yer quicker than you can say St Elmo's...... Er...... something or other?!
"Black spot you say, well that is excellent news!" I said. "There was me thinking it was something bad and we'd got mildew in the rigging and was about to send the sails out for dry cleaning. Think of the money I've saved! Now look little pirate mouse guy, nice though this chat is, what I really want is......"
But before I could finish the mouse rounded on me, and with a clearly reddening face and puffed out chest, shouted....
"SILENCE, you scurvy sea mammal, if you don't comply I'll introduce your furry Everton Mint coloured hide to 'Frank the Freakin' Huge', he's from a yet to be discovered continent called OZ." With that the mice all around me started to wave their cocktail sticks and shouted "Freakin' Frank, Freakin' Frank" in ever increasing shrill and animated fashion.
Then suddenly it stopped and the mice all ran behind the captain. Turning to see what was behind me and the reason for the mice's fear, I was confronted with the most gigantic mouse ye ever laid your eyes on. Arrr!
We eyed each other up and down. Mentally I checked off all a mouse's attributes to see if this guy was really a mouse. Long tail? yup. Shortish front legs and longer back? yup. Long pointy nose and irritating chewing habit? yup. Long hopping stride and weird accent? Not sure, but anything's possible after some of that cheap Nip grog!
"Arrr, G'day sport." Freakin' Frank said. "Give 'em the cheese or your crew gets to swim with the fishes, OK! OH, if ye have any tinnys of grog, mines Ye Fosters!"
Well you could have knocked me over with a nip mouse. How often do you find a talking elephant with boxing gloves on your ship?
"Umm, G'day Frank," I offered my paw out to the beast, "how's about we parlez over this, pirate to.... er.... elephant? I mean I can be quite reasonable and don't want to hurt anyone. And I do want to see my crew again. By the way where are the mangy swabs?"
Turning back to look at the dastardly Captain Mignon, I realised that I'd unwittingly edged away from Frank towards the ships railings, and a plank that extended over the side and out to sea. And I could now see hanging from one of the ship's booms a net, and it was within that the ship's crew now found themselves resting, in true feline fashion, having an afternoon siesta.
A lazy breeze gently moved the boat to and fro and as it did the net lowered towards the water dampening the sleeping cats' tails before lifting back up again. Well if that swell gets up much more, I mused, I won't have to have the crew scrubbed down for their annual wash and flea treatment! I wonder if I could get them to wash the sails too whilst they're down there?
Edging my way backwards from the railings I turned and was halted by a firm jab to the nose from Freakin' Frank.
"Meoooooowch, that smarted! What was that for!" I managed in a nasal tone through a now throbbing nose. "I think you broke my whiskers! And I'd just had them done in Gibraltar too. If you ever want things flattened, Straights of Gibraltar is the shop to go. Arrr"
"Strewth mate, you could talk the hind legs off a dingo! Now look, sport," Frank said in an annoying accent. "these 'ere rodents bushwhacked me back in my home town of Purrth and have been holding my Joey captive out by the billabongs, and I can tell you mate, that ain't a pretty site!"
"If I don't do their bidding he's a goner. So be a good pom and hand over the cheese and cream and we'll be on our way to the Queen of Spains cocktail pawty. OH, and for your information I'm NOT an elephant, I'm a bleeding Kanga-roo, mate!"
Despite a solid punch, I couldn't help feel for Frank's Joey being held by the billabong. I mean all the flies and risk of crocs would be terrible for the complexion! So I decided there and then to get this poor overgrown boxing mouse out and home, and maybe squeeze some of profit on the side.
"Do you mean, I've been attacked by badly dressed mouse pirates and a Cocker-poo in search of cheese for their cocktail sticks? REALLY!"
I gasped realising I'd never live down the embarrassment of it all at Queen Nellie's court, if word got out I'd lost the ship's cargo of Premium Nova Scotia Canadian mature Cheddar. But not just any premium cheddar, no ma'am, this was from Premier Seville's private stocks no less. I'd be lucky to get out of London and make it to the Isle of Man with my tail still intact. MOUSES!
Frank gave me another jab to the nose "It's Kangaroo NOT Cockerpoo, you dimwit!" And turned to bounce off in a sulk, but in doings so his large tail walloped me in the chest and sent me tumbling down the plank and out to sea with a less than lady like "Plooosh" sound.
"Ooops! Sorry mate," Frank cried, "should have warned you to give the tail a wide berth. Still, on a hot day like today you can catch some rays maybe, of the fishy kind that is!"
"Erm excuse me, cat overboard! I have rights you know. You can't leave me here on my own! What about the Pirate Code?!" I managed to gargle as I did a cat paddle to stay afloat.
Arrr, squeaked Captain Le Mignon, you have I fine point there, Cat'ptain Erin, but they're more guide lines really, and so here's my guideline; if you swims straight for another mile or so you'll reach that there ship on the horizon that's bearing down on us as we speak. If you save your breath I think a cat like you can manage it. And if you don't manage it, you'll......
"Be a very soggy moggy?" I interjected before he could finish his quote. "Or maybe ready for a nice cheese sandwich?"
"Sharks fin! Incoming!" Shouted one of the mouse crew as it pointed its cocktail stick my way.
"Well that was good of you to order out. At a push that will do nicely," I said, "So long as there's a nice side salad and a fine Nip port to wash it down with. Nice to see standards aren't slipping amongst the sisterhood of pirates."
"Ha! You're a fine one to joke about meals with them there sharks coming this way, Arrr." Le Mignon scoffed "But you'll be shark bait soon enough so won't that be ironic, a kitty eaten by a fish!"
"Captain, captain, that there yonder ship is Persian Cat of War ship, and she's dropped her black floofy sails and making for us at full speed!!!!" squeaked the mouse second mate, who on thinking about it, I mused, was probably a first cousin too!
"Damnations to them Persians!" Le Mignon growled, "With all that floof to catch the wind they'll be on us in no time if we don't lighten the load and make sail! Hoist the Jolly Roger drop the rest of them cats in the brine and lower the sails, you scurvy mice. We'll be away with the prize before they can say Niptini, shaken not stirred!"
With a sadistic chuckle, Le Mignon turned and cut free the net holding my crew, still asleep, and sent them ploooshing into the sea behind me.
"You'll pay for this," I screamed, "I'll be sending you the laundry bill, and hand cream bill too as salt plays havoc with cotton and the paws on wash day!"
"Cat'ptain," said the sleepy Scottish voice of the ships engineer who had paddled up beside me, "I think we've sprung a leak! Either that or the water fountains bigger than I recall? Did we no pack any inflatable loungers? The crew and I could sure do with drying off and catching up on our tans! Arrr"
"Sorry Scottie, I hate to say it but I'm all out of loungers. Do you have the mobile communication device I got from Home De-Port last time we were ashore? I think we may still be in range of the transmission mast you rigged in the crow's nest!
"Aye captain, I have it here in me sporran, in one of those natty contains with blue lids we pillaged from the Scandinavian Merchantman The SS Ikea!" Scottie opened the box proudly proffered the communications device to me."
"Who ye going to call?" he said. "Ye haven't a ghost of a chance of getting customer service team at this time! What about Uber?"
"Great plan, Scottie, but I have another call to make which may be quicker!" I hit speed dial to the Association of Pirates and after going through the usual options, press one for Home Start, two Plundering, three for Treasure maps, and eventually got to the option I wanted, namely press nine one one for rescue from being marooned or dumped overboard! Within seconds a fleet, or should I say school, of fish came to give us a tow.
"What's this?" Scottie said all shaken by the presence of fins streaking through the water.
"This my Scottish mate, is what's called the 'Pirates COD'. I got the Gold Cod Card last year for just such an emergency!"
"Right," I shouted to the crew, "NO chewing or clawing at our rides out of here, and NO skipping off without tipping else we'll be white balled from the Club Pirate!"
"But where ye headed, Cat'ptain?" Scottie shouted above the sound of the wake from the now racing cod, "Surely not to the Persian Cat o' War?"
"Aye Scottie, It's our only hope." I said, trying to avoid the spray completely ruining my 'Chanel Pour Pirate, No.9' cologne. "These Cod are only good for local trips, and I made a collect SOS call so we'll have to fall on the mercy of that ship's captain and hope they pay up!"
Moments later we were alongside the warship, all dark and sinister and brooding. A cat tree, made of sumptuous red velvet, had been lowered for us and we climbed our way up to the deck.
"OH my Bast!" I exclaimed, as we all stood mouth open, agog at the sumptuous surroundings that we found ourselves in. This is beyond epic, aye, its Epically Epic as Pirate Cat'ptain Basil would say. I wonder how they keep this deck carpeting so clean? And those sails, it must take a week of naps to keep them shipshape"
Before I could say more, a voice from the poop deck, which isn't where they keep the litter boxes, hailed the crew and I. "Welcome aboard, Pirate Cat'ptain, and crew, I think you are at my pleasure now and your plundering days are over! The gallows will await you on our return. Though maybe not if you tell me SECRET. The secret of El Creamado and the famed Golden Double Cream mines."
I spun to see who it was that was now my captor and threatened my demise. I know I was classed as a Senior Pirate at age eleven but still I'd had all my shots and expected to go on for many more years yet and get my knighthood and have a nice palace in the country, you know the stuff...
"It is I, the Cat'ptain, and this is the day you'll remember as the day you almost had......" But before I could proceed, my eyes met with the Persian Cat'ptain's and even though I wore sash in pink across my face to hide my features, and he a sash of finest black silk with a family crest stitched in finest red and gold silk thread, I knew somehow somewhere we had met.
Strange attire for a Cat'ptain of the Royal Fleet, I mused.
There was a sparkle in his eyes, did her recognise me too, I pondered? Or was this some trick to lure information as to El Creamado?
"Bring her too me, please." he shouted to two of the long and short haired ship panthers, that crewed the ship. "And be quick about it too, and then set else we'll have the Royal Navy after us, for sure."
"Well well well. Cat'ptain I don't seem to have had the pleasure, what mane do ye go by, did ye go by?" He corrected himself and smiled, but not a malicious smile but a sweet and strangely alluring smile that highlighted the good and beautiful green eyes that dazzled and entranced me like the head-lanterns on a cart will a rabbit.
I drew a breath and pulled myself from the eyes, the pools of light that seemed to hypnotise me like a sirens call.
"Fair black and floofi Cat'ptain, a fine ship ye have here and no mistake. But you fly no flag that I can see, and that is strange dress for a sailor of the Royal Persian Fleet?
I cannot see thy face or countenance and feel your manners somewhat lacking grace for as a Lady, and worth two of any tom that sailed the seas, a Gentlecat should introduce himself first. Aye that he should." I said and half expecting to be rebuked for the cheek.
"Well said, even for a Pirate LADY! And I have no qualm about giving thee my name though you shall not live to use it, as it is meant only for one, the one I love." And with that the Floofi Persian Cat'ptain doffed his hat and in a flourish bowed before me.
"Let me introduce myself, my name is Dashing Count Prince von Valentino late of O-R-E Gon, though where it's GON I'm not sure. And verily this is no fleet ship but the good ship the Black Floof, scourge of the oceans and bound for the Indies to trade our and your pirate booty!"
Well you could have knocked me over with a nip mouse and rolled me in cream and sprinkled me with grated cheese, though not the Premiers as that would be theft!
"OH my" I said. "It is I Erin your beloved and....." I ripped off my silken disguise and let it fall to the black floofi decking. We stared at each other for what seemed an eternity and then ran to each other's paws and embraced as long lost lovers, as kin.
"OH my Prince, how is this so? Why are you here, what errand brings you to sea when I thought you were a desk jockey?" I looked in astonishment at the fine figure of floofiness that cut the dash in his silken pantaloons and feathered tricorn hat before me, and started to cry. "I am undone and my secret life is laid bare before thee, and the lowly life I have taken up to make my fortune to be worthy of your love is discovered."
"OH Erin, I too am undone, but that is purely a tailoring issue! Ah yes, this whole persona is but a charade to prove myself worthy of thy simple beauty. A simple Counts life seemed to boring for the exciting life I wanted you to have, so I chose to sail the seas and make my name, and have tales to tell our kittens, and they their kittens. With tears in both our eyes we let go and took each other's paws and looked out at the ocean and horizon before us.
"Oh what a fool this age of chivalry and Royal Piracy has made of me, I can see it now." Valentine sighed and pawed a tear from his eye. "You are and always have been my Princess, no matter the ocean or street we sailed down. Let's set sail for adventures and harbours new. What say ye, my sweet Princess Erin, will thee join me? Say Aye, and the world is thy oyster, and all the undiscovered realms I shall name for you, sweet Princess. What say thee?'
"Oh Valentino!"
"Oh Erin!"
"Valentine!"
"Erin!"
"Oh Erin!"
"Erin? where are you? This is the chef, dinner is served in dining hall two. Just how you like it."
The tannoy clicked off, and deafening silence returned.
"Eeek! What's happening?" I jumped from my nice wool duvet in surprise. "Cat overboard! Splice the main brace you scurvy sea cat else that thing will have split ends by morning!"
"Whats going on.... where am I?"
Oh man not again! I thought, this happens in all the dreams and just at the smoochie good bit too. Darn chef, I'll have 'im swing from the yardarm for that. Arrrr!
I wonder what's on the menu? Oooh will you look at that, sharks fin soup followed by Mignon Mouse pineapple and cheese kebabs, my favourite! I wonder how the chef knew?
To be continued....... in 'The Cursed Mousies' Click HERE for the next instalment!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Copyright.
All text and images Copyright Noirkittymews.com, and Erinthecatprincess.blogspot.com
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