Last week, along with most of America, my vocabulary increased by one word: "dotard." I'd never have guessed that Kim Jong-Un would've taught me a new word in my native tongue, and yet there he was, calling Donald Trump a "mentally deranged U.S. dotard" whom the chubby dick-tater-tot would "definitely tame" with "fire."
As soon as I stopped laughing,I IMMEDIATELY Googled "dotard" and learned that it was a noun meaning "an old person, especially one who has become weak or senile."
Wow, for once Kim Jong-Un and I could agree on something!
Now the suffix "tard" has obviously fallen out of favor and for good reason. A lot of things sucked about being a kid in the '80s, among them how junior sociopaths would call everyone who didn't rise to their level in the social hierarchy some sort of "tard." Like "fucktards" or "retards" or "gaytards"--with impunity. After doing some etymological research, I discovered that "dotard" was more closely linked to "dotage" than "tard," and had reached its peak use in about 1800.
The point of all this, though, is that I AM NOT A DOTARD. How do I know? I'm glad you asked, because I'm about to tell you. I TOOK TWO TEENAGE BOYS TO SEE "IT" LAST NIGHT! AT 10:05 P.M. Pee-fucking-Em, ya'll!!! That's NIGHT TIME. A horror movie. AT NIGHT! In the THEATER.
Rewind.
We were sitting around having dinner earlier that evening, and my friend's 17 year-old son announced his plans to head out to "the Valley" to see a 10:05 p.m. showing of Stephen King's IT with his 16 year-old buddy. "How are you getting there?" his dad asked. When the kid said "you're driving me," his dad laughed in his face. "Not tonight I'm not!"
"I'll take you!" I volunteered spontaneously, before I could fully appreciate the implications of my offer.
It was only 7:30. That meant I would have to stay AWAKE for another two hours to pick the kids up and then another THREE hours to watch a horrifying movie. This last part was actually pretty easy, because I am a YOOOGE Stephen King fan and have read all of his books, including IT. I legit wanted to see IT and no one--and I mean not one adult I know--would agree to see IT with me.
And so the arrangements were made. Two hours later, I was sitting in a half-empty movie theater with a box of frozen Junior Mints and two teenage boys I'd basically just met, about to watch Pennywise the clown fuck some shit up.
As I cringed turtle-like into my coat and probably herniated a disc in the process, I realized that I wasn't even scared. At least not by the parts of the movie that were supposed to scare me.
I was scared that I'd suffer hearing damage from the volume. I was scared of the kids being mean to each other. I was scared of the girl character's dad who was sexually abusive. I was scared about my own kids becoming teenagers. When it was all over, one of the boys asked me if kids were really that mean to each other in the '80s. "I've never seen ANYTHING like that," said one of them.
Well that's a relief, I thought, remembering how Gary Lit would barge in on me in the bathroom and how Rolph Heitmeyer (sp??) would smack me upside the head as hard as he could while waiting for the bus.
But here in 2017, one thing was clear: I had stayed awake to see a horror movie in the movie theater with two teenage boys who didn't seem 100% mortified to be there with me.
#ResistDotardation
As soon as I stopped laughing,I IMMEDIATELY Googled "dotard" and learned that it was a noun meaning "an old person, especially one who has become weak or senile."
Wow, for once Kim Jong-Un and I could agree on something!
Now the suffix "tard" has obviously fallen out of favor and for good reason. A lot of things sucked about being a kid in the '80s, among them how junior sociopaths would call everyone who didn't rise to their level in the social hierarchy some sort of "tard." Like "fucktards" or "retards" or "gaytards"--with impunity. After doing some etymological research, I discovered that "dotard" was more closely linked to "dotage" than "tard," and had reached its peak use in about 1800.
The point of all this, though, is that I AM NOT A DOTARD. How do I know? I'm glad you asked, because I'm about to tell you. I TOOK TWO TEENAGE BOYS TO SEE "IT" LAST NIGHT! AT 10:05 P.M. Pee-fucking-Em, ya'll!!! That's NIGHT TIME. A horror movie. AT NIGHT! In the THEATER.
Rewind.
We were sitting around having dinner earlier that evening, and my friend's 17 year-old son announced his plans to head out to "the Valley" to see a 10:05 p.m. showing of Stephen King's IT with his 16 year-old buddy. "How are you getting there?" his dad asked. When the kid said "you're driving me," his dad laughed in his face. "Not tonight I'm not!"
"I'll take you!" I volunteered spontaneously, before I could fully appreciate the implications of my offer.
It was only 7:30. That meant I would have to stay AWAKE for another two hours to pick the kids up and then another THREE hours to watch a horrifying movie. This last part was actually pretty easy, because I am a YOOOGE Stephen King fan and have read all of his books, including IT. I legit wanted to see IT and no one--and I mean not one adult I know--would agree to see IT with me.
And so the arrangements were made. Two hours later, I was sitting in a half-empty movie theater with a box of frozen Junior Mints and two teenage boys I'd basically just met, about to watch Pennywise the clown fuck some shit up.
As I cringed turtle-like into my coat and probably herniated a disc in the process, I realized that I wasn't even scared. At least not by the parts of the movie that were supposed to scare me.
I was scared that I'd suffer hearing damage from the volume. I was scared of the kids being mean to each other. I was scared of the girl character's dad who was sexually abusive. I was scared about my own kids becoming teenagers. When it was all over, one of the boys asked me if kids were really that mean to each other in the '80s. "I've never seen ANYTHING like that," said one of them.
Well that's a relief, I thought, remembering how Gary Lit would barge in on me in the bathroom and how Rolph Heitmeyer (sp??) would smack me upside the head as hard as he could while waiting for the bus.
But here in 2017, one thing was clear: I had stayed awake to see a horror movie in the movie theater with two teenage boys who didn't seem 100% mortified to be there with me.
#ResistDotardation
