2. Bernie would have made pepperoni pizza have no calories.
3. Bernie would have wiped out all my library fines.
4. Bernie would have made my IRS refund arrive on time.
5. Bernie would have made every woman not have period cramps.
6. Bernie would have made me parallel park in a tight space on the first try every time.
7. Bernie would have made Kim Jong-Un (aka Rocket Man) solve global warming and turn North Korea into the world's chief exporter of weed.
8. Bernie would have made unicorn poo an alternative biofuel that would have replaced petroleum by 2020.
9. Bernie would have made that earthquake in Mexico a 3.5 instead of an 8.
10. Bernie would have made my kids stop singing Despacito, especially the remix version feat. Justin Bieber.
11. Bernie would have made the check engine light on my car stop coming on for no reason.
12. Bernie would have gotten me free tickets to see Coldplay.
13. Bernie would have made my kids' rooms not be shit holes anymore.
14. Bernie would have gone back in time and diverted the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs so that dinosaurs would never have gone extinct and we could have a real life Jurassic Park.
15. Bernie would have made my boobs perky and given me six pack abs without doing any exercise.
16. Bernie would have made me fluent in 10 languages and shred guitar better than Eddie Van Halen thus turning me into an instant YouTube sensation.
17. Bernie would have written a memoir with a better title than "What Happened," maybe like "Shit Happens."
18. Bernie would have helped me to better see the value in composting all my disgusting coffee grounds and banana peels. Same with washing ZipLocs.
19. Bernie would have washed all my ZipLocs.
20. Bernie would have made all my socks come out of the laundry in perfectly matched up pairs.
