When I heard that Amazon was going to build a new headquarters called HQ2 and was taking bids from North American cities to go to the Big Dance with Jeff Bezos, I (or more accurately an alert reader) immediately knew that the City and Borough of Juneau HAD to throw its Aurora Projekt trucker hat in the ring!
Amazon said it wants its new headquarters to be in a "metropolitan area" with a "stable and business-friendly environment" and more than 1 million peeps. The company also said that "incentives offered by the state/province and local communities to offset initial capital outlay and ongoing operational costs will be significant factors in the decision-making process."
Amazon said it wants its new headquarters to be in a "metropolitan area" with a "stable and business-friendly environment" and more than 1 million peeps. The company also said that "incentives offered by the state/province and local communities to offset initial capital outlay and ongoing operational costs will be significant factors in the decision-making process."
Welp. This is an easy decision, Jeff! Here are 20 reasons why Juneau should definitely be Amazon's new HQ2!
1. Juneau is close to Seattle so it would be easy to get from the first headquarters to the second, especially when you have to go from HQ2 to HQ1 for advanced medical care and Trader Joe's dried apricots and Speculous cookie dough butter.
2. Our legislature would definitely pass a law to make Amazon happen because they love Juneau so much and also got Alaska Uber and Lyft recently. They also got us Marmot Day and Dave & Buster's, don't forget!
3. With Alaska's economy in the crapper, Juneauites could use 50,000 new jobs, which is only like almost twice the population of Juneau.
4. Everyone here already uses Amazon AND Amazon Prime so we are all very familiar with the services provided by the company.
5. Jeff Bezos once parked his yacht in Gastineau Channel next to Johnny Depp's, Mel Gibson's, and Harrison Ford's, so I'm told.
6. Juneau is obvs a Metropolitan area. Helloooo?! Seawalk & Foodtruck Fridays, much?!
7. We have 1,000,000 people during cruise ship season. So 500,000 of them are in plastic ponchos. AND WHAT OF IT?!
8. Just because everyone's shitting a brick that Alaska is about to be bankrupt in ten seconds and a crime-ridden hell hole thanks to Senate Bill 91, doesn't mean Juneau isn't "stable" and "business-friendly." What's a teensy bit of maybe-arson, opioid abuse, and a wee smidgen of chronic shoplifting every now and again?
9. We have the sickest buy-sell-trade Facebook page in the nation and are very good at interwebbing.
10. Because it rains so much everyone is good at working very hard. Also we are never sad.
11. We offer a wide panoply of bear-claw salad tongs, airbrushed eagle T-shirts, Tanzanite jewelry, fudge, and handmade soap as incentives for capital outlay.
12. We have a glacier and global warming. Climate change is totally hot right now. Literally. Everyone who's anyone wants to get in on climate change and Amazon is totally someone. None of this makes any sense but corporate America doesn't either so whatevs.
13. Juneau has the nicest people in the world and if Amazon moves here we promise to give their employees a standing ovation at the annual HQ2 employee talent show even if it's really really bad and painful.
14. The old Wal-Mart and old laser tag/gas station just screams "Amazon Corporate Campus." DOES IT NOT, PEOPLE?!?!
15. Two words: WHALE SCULPTURE.
1. Juneau is close to Seattle so it would be easy to get from the first headquarters to the second, especially when you have to go from HQ2 to HQ1 for advanced medical care and Trader Joe's dried apricots and Speculous cookie dough butter.
2. Our legislature would definitely pass a law to make Amazon happen because they love Juneau so much and also got Alaska Uber and Lyft recently. They also got us Marmot Day and Dave & Buster's, don't forget!
3. With Alaska's economy in the crapper, Juneauites could use 50,000 new jobs, which is only like almost twice the population of Juneau.
4. Everyone here already uses Amazon AND Amazon Prime so we are all very familiar with the services provided by the company.
5. Jeff Bezos once parked his yacht in Gastineau Channel next to Johnny Depp's, Mel Gibson's, and Harrison Ford's, so I'm told.
6. Juneau is obvs a Metropolitan area. Helloooo?! Seawalk & Foodtruck Fridays, much?!
7. We have 1,000,000 people during cruise ship season. So 500,000 of them are in plastic ponchos. AND WHAT OF IT?!
8. Just because everyone's shitting a brick that Alaska is about to be bankrupt in ten seconds and a crime-ridden hell hole thanks to Senate Bill 91, doesn't mean Juneau isn't "stable" and "business-friendly." What's a teensy bit of maybe-arson, opioid abuse, and a wee smidgen of chronic shoplifting every now and again?
9. We have the sickest buy-sell-trade Facebook page in the nation and are very good at interwebbing.
10. Because it rains so much everyone is good at working very hard. Also we are never sad.
11. We offer a wide panoply of bear-claw salad tongs, airbrushed eagle T-shirts, Tanzanite jewelry, fudge, and handmade soap as incentives for capital outlay.
12. We have a glacier and global warming. Climate change is totally hot right now. Literally. Everyone who's anyone wants to get in on climate change and Amazon is totally someone. None of this makes any sense but corporate America doesn't either so whatevs.
13. Juneau has the nicest people in the world and if Amazon moves here we promise to give their employees a standing ovation at the annual HQ2 employee talent show even if it's really really bad and painful.
14. The old Wal-Mart and old laser tag/gas station just screams "Amazon Corporate Campus." DOES IT NOT, PEOPLE?!?!
15. Two words: WHALE SCULPTURE.
