The 5 Men Who Will Inappropriately Compare You to Their Wives for Some Reason in a Professional Context and How to Drag them Into Next Week in Response*

1. The Dick: The Dick’s real name is Richard, but he goes by Dick, both because he’s over 50 and because he is one. At some point, you will tell the Dick that you have tried to blot his face from your memory because he has infuriated you one too many times. At that point he will laugh and you will blink awkwardly at him with a completely straight face. Seeing that you’re serious, he will then ask you how tall you are, and you will tell him, at which point he will tell you that his wife is the same height and he has learned “not to mess with short women" over the years. At that point you will ask him his height and regardless of his answer, you will tell him that it’s a perfect kneecap-to-balls ratio.

2. The Joe: The Joe is a mid-life crisis-having cheddar-ball who drives a red convertible, wears too much hair product, and interrupts you or talks over you at every opportunity. On the few occasions he doesn’t, he just pretends to listen while he’s waiting for an entry point into the convo. Joe will tell you that his wife has “that exact same dress," which will briefly make you consider hate-fucking him in the supply closet (Hate sex is the best sex, amirite ladies)? Having dispensed with that idea as quickly as it popped into your head, and to make sure the Joe never speaks to you again, you’ll tell him that you actually inherited that dress from your dead grandma and it still smells like Bengay.

3. The Austin: The Austin is a recently-married millennial who pretends to be a woke-ass bae but is secretly just thirsty AF for constant female attention now that he’s reckoning with the fact that he’s technically off the market until he gets divorced in five years. Maybe you made the mistake of giving the Austin your cell in case of a work emergency but now he’s abusing the privilege by sending you cat memes at midnight and complaining to you that his wife “just doesn’t get it.” Cancel this exchange by texting him that you don’t get it either.

4. The Connor: The Connor is also a millennial who was President of his college fraternity, has been married for five months longer than Austin, and has newborn twins. As a result he gets no sleep and comes into work with spit-up on his shirt every day. Since lack of sleep begets disinhibition, he tells you that your body “has bounced back really well” from your own pregnancies. At that point simply unbutton your pants and unleash the overflowing muffin top from your Spanx.

5. The David: The David is older than your dad and wants to father-figure/preacher-teacher you into career success even though you’re almost 40 and got a promotion that he didn’t. The David will call you “hon” and tell you that your sassy attitude reminds him of his wife when she was younger. Say THANKS DAAAAAVVVE, knowing that he insists on being called David just to be difficult and hates when people call him Dave.

*All names are pseudonyms.