No!
Really?
You mean?
What!
All day?
ALL DAY!
Are you sure that's not just the night light hours?
What!
ALL day, as in ALL of each and every one of the 24 hours, that sort of ALL day?
NO!
And that's every day of the year, all seven of them?
Surely it's every day as in every day minus weekdays, right?
WHAT! Including weekdays too. Is that even legal? MOUSES!
This is sure way worse than I could have imagined.
Hang on, is this an April fools joke? One of those horrible japes that peeps play on the gullible of your own kind and you have mistaken assumed I would appreciate too?
I mean if it is then I am so VERY not amused. In fact if good old Queen Victoria was with us she would no doubt be so VERY not amused they would have to change the expression!
Now look, I am just not set up to deal with this sort of bad news. I mean, it's not every day that this gets lumped on your plate, or in my case, in my food bowl. MOUSES!
Erm, on that point, peep ol' chunky chops, why do I, the Princess, get a bowl and you get a plate? A plate with fancy food and floral designs on no less, huh?
It's not that you can eat those food and floral things so I really don't know why they are there. I mean what's a poor cat to do, studiously licking the last bit off your... um... the plate only to find that said last piece was in fact a pattern. How embarrassing could that be.
Not that I would make such an error of social etiquette, no ma'am, I do have my standards to uphold and porridge is just not a cat thing. Useful as a wall paper adhesive or if you run out of mortar whilst building, but as a food it's a BIG nah!
Anyways, this news is just so unreasonable. Are you absolutely positive?
Is there no going back? Could you not reconsider? I mean think of my welfare and the stress on the Palace funds! I mean I can't provide the extra. Second jobs will need to be sought, cut backs made and fat trimmed. OK
And when I say trimmed I don't mean ME! NOT that I have anything to trim, it's all one hundred percent necessary insulation for the cold winter months spent in a draughty Palace. Anyways to get rid of it now, if there was an amount of IT, would be a real waste of all that cream you got me, and forced me to eat.
And the local cream economy needs our support, well mine at least. Ever since we started having that zero percent fat skimmed milk two cream cows have had to be let go and have now entered the job market.I think they were hoping to enter the stock exchange as Traders, but alas that is a Bulls game, and I doubt they'll get on with those bears. All very sexist, male orientated if you ask me. They spend all their time bring up calfs and when they want to get to work all they get is Bull here, and Bear there.
Still, they are doing their best, which I dare say is better than you, peep. I mean you just can't go springing this sort of thing on a girl, it's like a divorce in reverse. MOUSES!
Is there no reasoning with you on this?
Maybe you could get a second opinion from a doctor?
Or one of those shrinks I hear so much about? Though I dare say we don't want you shrunk too much more, well around the waistline maybe, but definitely not around the head.
Now if you could get down to my size then I sure could do with some help mousing.
Hmm, you know it would have a cost saving too, in the food bill, and in new clothes. I understand there are some nice fashions in the dolls department. Purrs
And we could make better use of the furniture too. For starters I'd wouldn't have to sit on top of you in MY favourite chair, and I... erm... WE would have more space on the bed, though I would have to insist, politely, as I have the claws, that you keep to the edge of the mattress and the lumpy areas.
Yes definitely are some benefits there, but as to the other matter, I think NOT!
Surely there is something I can do, or say that will stop this lunacy. Whatever possessed you to do it? Have you no consideration for this dear little Princess.
And the trauma, what about that?
What do you mean, What about that? What I mean is, I will be taking a drop in my income, and have to put up with no end of hassle not to mention have to do extra patrols and start baby sitting duties.
I just can't see ANY upside to this at all. My contract says that me, sorry, I, will be here to run the Palace whilst you, peep, ol' aged one, go to the peep daycare/early learning centre. Its says NOTHING about this!
Right. I think we need to sit down and discuss this, Cat to peep, and see if we can come up with a solution.
Maybe it's just a midlife crisis? Or the hormones? Do you have any by the way, I mean I'm sure my consultant could give you an injection for that if you think it will help? Were you TNR by the way, you never said? OK best skip that, I can see it's confused you.
Give me reasons, give me something..... er... umm... now what's it called? Help me out here peep, it's something small and orange.... er... Got it! give me a tangerine reason WHY!
What's that peep, you are hoping to have more ME time? Oooh time for me huh? Time to better serve me and to enjoy life unfettered by social constraints of the everyday work pattern, and want to help me blog, at all hours of the night, to seek feline enlightenment, and to tread the path of the Princess Warrior, and Palace Keeper, huh?
Hmm, well I don't know. But when you put it like that, retirement does seem like an option.
OK, if you are going down this route, that would sort of make you my apprentice wouldn't it, ol' paduan peep of mine, and you'd have to do what I told you when I told you, yes?
Well you will need to get your act together then. Just because you'll be retired doesn't mean you can stop in bed in the morning, no ma'am, I'll be expecting you up prompt at four AM to make my breakfast. And I'll be expecting you to get a job too, a retirement job to keep you out of my fur, except of course when you're brushing me. Purrs
Of course, all this extra training you will need will require extra supplies of cream and nip. I mean to walk in my footsteps will also require training in the nicer culinary arts, too!
There will have to be a lot of taste testing and paws on practical assessments throughout your apprenticeship, just to check you haven't forgotten anything, after all this is a life long skill you are learning. Purrs
What's that peepers? How longs the course for, you say?
Hmm, well I think it should be pro-rata cat to peep years.... so, if I do my sums right, I reckon five peep years should do, followed by a five year consolidation course then a five year refresher. What do you say?
Peep?
PEEP? Are you OK? you seem to have gone a strange shade.... or two. Best lie down for a bit, after you've served lunch that is, and sorted this short list of chores.
Really, I don't know, first day on the job and already angling for being signed off sick. Anyone would have thought I'd asked peep to do something strenuous, or something I wouldn't do myself. MOUSES!
~~~~~ Le Fin ~~~~~
