"Times Breaks Story Into Itty-Bitty Pieces" by (Anonymous) - 5.22.17

Entry Submitted Anonymously at 5:11 AM EDT on May 22, 2017

The New York Times Squared, May 25, 2017
Final Edition

The New York Times Squared has learned that for the last four months of its unconventional regime, top officials of the Trump Administration have believed the RV to be a large recreational vehicle perpetually parked in the shop.

"We know there have been attempts to start the RV," said Administration spokesman Shy Spicy, "and a lot of people have checked under the hood and kicked the tires."

"But as far as we know, that old contraption has not yet hit the road."

Sources who could not identify themselves due to having signed non-disclosure agreements, told the Times Squared that the RV is merely a phantom vehicle that may possibly have existed in ancient times, but has no demonstrable basis in current reality.

"The frame of that vehicle is really bent out of shape, so we can't put a human driver behind the wheel," a non-spokesperson from an anonymous possible think tank contended. "Remote control is about our only option, and that's decades down the road."

Crowds gathered outside the office of Minions News Service in Manhattan today to protest recent media references to the RV as vehicle-inappropriate and hopelessly obsolete.

"We have nothing against an RV," said Sherry Spigot, a longshoreman from Queens, NY. "We also have nothing in favor of it. We really don't know what it is, or even, why we're here."

Protestors in the streets were seen carrying signs asking "Who's RV?" and "Give Blood, Not Updates."