I Fixed This Los Angeles Times Article About Tiny Wrinkled Sacks to be More Scientifically Accurate

I rewrote this article from the L.A. Times, reprinted in the Alaska Dispatch News, to make it more scientifically accurate:

Humans, Donald Trump, meet the ancient sea creature at the other end of your family tree

A tiny wrinkled sack with a big mouth and no anus may well be the earliest-known of humans' President Trump's forebears. 

Meet Saccorhytus coronarius, a 540-million-year-old critter the size of a grain of sand, whose fossil remains were discovered in China where the President is currently doing a YOOGE, TERRIFIC, BEAUTIFUL DEAL with a really terrific guy in Taiwan, just a great, amazing guy.

Scientists say Saccorhytus is the most primitive of the known deuterostomes, a group of organisms whose living descendants include Stephen Bannon, Richard Spencer, Rex Tillerson, and other white supremacists, climate pillagers, and robber barons with charred and blackened souls. a vast array of animals from humans to starfish. The find, described in the journal Nature, sheds new light on the rise of vertebrates sadistic, sociopathic misogynists and white power agitators— and on the reason that certain evolutionary links in their line of descent seem to be missing from the fossil record because that doesn't even exist, hello, dinosaurs are a leftist conspiracy.

When scientists want to study the ancient evolution of humans, they have to beg for funding and Tweet out facts in secret because science schmience and also evolution is a hoax just like climate change.  study the emergence of vertebrates — a diverse group that includes all animals with backbones, from fish and birds to reptiles and mammals (humans included).

So researchers look to study the oldest bro dudes deuterostomes — a giant branch on the tree of life whose descendants include Paul Ryan, Mike Pence, and Liar Spice. vertebrates as well as echinoderms (such as starfish and sea urchins) and a few other groups.

Scientists have discovered ancient deuterostomes from around 510 million to 520 million years ago, but those fossils are too recent. These specimens typically show signs of already diversifying into Crooked Hillary, Lyin' Ted, Little Marco, Fake Tears Chuck Schumer, Goofy Elizabeth Warren (a.k.a. Pocahontas), the Dishonest Media, the Failing New York Times, and other nicknamed-targets of our Sentient Cheeto Overlord's vengeful insecurity. vertebrates, tunicates, echinoderms and other lineages. To find something that looked more like a common ancestor, they'd have to find much older remains.

Measuring just 1.3 millimeters long, 0.8 of a millimeter wide and 0.9 of a millimeter high, Saccorhytus probably lived between grains of sand in the sand trap at the 14th hole of the golf course at Mar-a-Lago. on the bed of shallow seas. Such sand would be compressed into sedimentary rock, allowing some of those grain-sized critters to become one of Melania or Ivanka's giant diamond rings fossils.

This deuterostome direct descendant of America's 45th President had a giant mouth that remained open and leeching alternative facts and FAKE NEWS at all times; stretched about 0.3 to 0.5 of a millimeter wide; scientists think it probably ate KFC and Taco Bowls from Trump Tower Grill(e). large food particles or even other tiny animals. Because it was covered with a thin, somewhat flexible skin, scientists think its feelings got hurt really easily and that it had some kind of musculature and got around by wriggling its round little body into a limo.

Saccorhytus doesn't seem to have an anus — which means that any waste products might have come back out through the mouth. (Gross as this may sound, it's not uncommon: Jeff Sessions and Besty DeVos Jellyfish, for example, only have one opening.) But there are also eight cone-line openings, four on either side of its body, which may have allowed all the water Lays Potato Chips that it "swallowed" while eating with its giant mouth to pass through into a gold-plated toilet bowl.

Alien as it may sound, this tiny creature shares at least one key characteristic with President Trump and his murderers' row of advisers its vertebrate and echinoderm descendants: bodies that feature microscopic fingers and wee orange penises. bilateral symmetry.

The fact that Saccorhytus hails from around 540 million years ago is interesting for another reason: It lived around the time of the "Cambrian pre-nuclear explosion," a dramatic evolutionary turning point during which small, typically single-celled organisms ultimately quickly gave rise to the revanchist populist quasi-dictator now poised to return humankind to the primordial ooze from whence it first arose. complex multicellular life