The Secret Lives of Siblings

We were nine, now we are six.  Brothers and sisters born into that post world war II era that harkened in the modern American existence.

Booming progress and advancement and at the same time tremendous discord. 

We were among the largest of large families crammed into those GI tract home developments that made the suburbs sprawl .  You rarely see a family with nine children outside of a reality tv show today, back then there were families with 5, 6, 7 children.  The cram was a memory for some of us, leading to space issues later on in life.  We were tight to the point of constantly brushing up against each other.  Amazing accommodation of personality was required.  That accommodation of personality allows for an ease of interaction, we do not get in each others face , unlike many other families who are constantly at war.  We allow for each other and rarely demand of each other.

As I say, we were 9, now 6.  A brother died young.

There are those who say that the loss of a child is the most searing event anyone can go through, the grief particularly harsh. Some say the loss of a spouse can be similarly painful. I think grief quantification would be a hard call.  How does one scale it, 1 to 5 or 1 to 10.  It is there and it is not something that can be pigeon holed.

  I would not know. But I do know that the loss of a brother at a young age can be just as devastating.   I was present at his sudden death and for years after I was left with the question was there something I could have done. It ran in my head for a long time, producing an anxiety that was ever present.  Was there artificial respiration or CPR, finally the realization that no, his death was sudden and complete in minutes and there was nothing to be done.  Was a similar fate awaiting those of us sharing the same genes.

The loss of a second brother was just as difficult to reconcile as there was no fairness or reason. He was moving into a promising phase of life, married, advancing professionally, just a happy man moving forward into what would be a happy life.  He died young also , a cancer rare for his age overtook him. His call to my office to tell me of his diagnosis left me shaken and saddened.  The sadness that followed his death was felt by everyone of us, as he was a good and decent fellow. We also had to see the pain in his wonderful wife's eyes.

Over the holidays we learned that yet another sibling was facing death.  She did not share much of her life with the rest of us.  She kept her distance and we did not know that in the fall she had had surgery that made known to her that her condition was failing. We did not know until after that she went on a cruise around that time, apparently grabbing the last chance for some real unbound enjoyment and beauty to sort things out.

Her health difficulties had become apparent over the course of the last  decade, seemingly never getting any better.  About a year ago she sent me a not to tell me that she was praying for my health and mentioned that her life was becoming increasingly contemplative as her ability to move about was becoming more difficult.  She spent her days dabbling in art, as she was talented in art as a young woman.  She read and wrote and tried to enjoy her days.

But beyond that I knew little of her situation, which was her choice.  Her career had come to an active conclusion as her health deteriorated , but I knew no details of how or when she stopped working.  She had pride in her career as she should, for it was a noble profession and she maintained
her professional ties through working in the organizations of that profession.

At her funeral I learned things that I had never known of my sister, and was happy to hear of her friends and colleagues holding her in such high regard.  But it was strange as it was as if there was another person, one of whom I knew so little.  I learned more of her life than I ever would have at the once or twice annual gathering.

She confided her illness to one other sibling and then promptly burdened her sister  with the obligation to tell no one.  the good and faithful sister unburdened at Christmas gathering and let on the situation, probably not wanting to have to deal with the rest of us.  Thankfully she did, for it allowed the rest of us to go and see her in life for what would be our last times.

My own last time was on a Thursday night in the hospital, I entered her room in darkness thinking that she was asleep.
She was not, she was contemplating the end stage her life.  She recognized my form outlined in the light from the hallway and greeted me.  I sat and we talked, she wanted to talk because she said that people today do not talk to each other.  It was then that I got the sense that she regretted having removed herself from so much involvement with her siblings and I regretted that I had not had much involvement with her life.  Shortly before I took my leave, she asked a favor, could I move her legs to the center of the bed as she was no longer able to move them.  Her ability to walk had left her weeks earlier.  Later as I was leaving I turned and gave her wave just as she did the same, it was a strange wave of sorts she reaching up, and I reaching out closing a gap of sorts.

I did not think that would be the last time I saw her in life, On Sunday I got up with plans to dress and go to the hospital to visit  when the call came in with news of her death.  I was surprised as death had come sooner than I expected.  The secrets of a life gone to a grave.

The wash of sadness is still present and will be for some time.  Sadness that we waited so long to have a talk of sorts.  That is truly sad

.Talk