"The List" Poem by Pine Cone

On my Path to Trust-Faith in God

On my devoted path through many blocks and memories, I have crawled out through a rusty hole in the bucket that contains the Earth and all the worms chasing their tails (people stuck in the parade of temptations). Some people would use the phrase "thinking outside the box", perhaps. As a male survivor of incest, I felt like an outsider in healing circles where sexually abused women exuded their rage for men. These groups were "the only game in town" for me since I was very poor. These suffering female heroes projected their perpetrators onto me. When I was vulnerable, they would walk out of meetings, talk and laugh and interrupt and some would try too hard to cover their rage with feigned pity. The token male suffered the abuse and alienation when these women formed male-less coffee groups and private meetings. That token male was me. This part of my recovery is a re-victimization.

My grandmother, on my step father's side, had lost her husband and moved into our three children house with us. She and my mother sexually abused me alternately. When we were all together in the same room they each denigrated me to help keep the secret. They didn't want the other to suspect the abuse, and they surely had to control the little boy Jeffrey from showing signs of affection. Then, one particularly traumatic day, my grandmother died on top of me when she was coming. This sort of woke me up and I still remember the ugly guttural sounds and the ugly look of her old fat body laying half on the floor and half on the bed.

All Hell broke loose in our alcoholic family and I wonder if I still blame myself for what happened. Not only am I a "male", rare "male” incest survivor, I am, what the whole World thinks is an even stranger rarity, a survivor of female perpetrators. I remember a woman of a female perpetrator (her mother) come in and out of our groups. She had so much shame! She used a phrase to describe her feelings about having a female perpetrator, "a freak among freaks". She went out and killed herself and that scared me. I was not only a freak among freaks, I was an outsider, not even, a freak among freaks.

One day, after meditation, I realized how frustrated I was explaining just one of many ways men/I, are/am shamed and humiliated in this World in the rusty bucket. I had been working hard to heal, apple pie was no longer sacred to me, and I had to violate the taboo of honoring motherhood and the taboo of honoring nationalism in a country that protects perpetrating mothers and blames little boys and girls. I know one girl who eliminated herself before she got her self blame healed. She did us all a favor, so we wouldn't have to look at the truth. I don't like it when the perpetrators win; I am not dead; I am talking; and I am healing shame right now.

It was such a struggle to get validation that I began to validate myself. I thought, "When I am shamed and humiliated, I lose my trust, and TRUST is so intertwined with faith, that I reasoned that humiliation takes away my FAITH". I really got motivated then! I stopped trying to get validation for any one way I am shamed in this World and I wrote “The list”, the whole list, all at once. I filed it away and stopped worrying about whether I was right or not. I know what keeps me from faith-in-God and what is not healthy for my soul. So here it is, from a survivor with a voice:

THE LIST

War- little boys observe males killing and being killed in wars and boys get terrified and shamed and don't trust that they are safe
Prisons- little boys observe males are punished in prisons and boys get terrified and shamed and don't trust that they are safe
Capital Punishment- little boys observe that males are executed and boys get terrified and shamed and don't trust that they are safe
Divorce- little boys observe that males lose their homes and their children and their income and get terrified and shamed and don't trust that they are safe
Nurturing- little boys aren't treated softly nor are they expected to nurture softly and they get shamed and they don't trust that they are capable of love
Rough Treatment Compared to Girls- fathers and mothers and teachers and police and medical people treat boys rough compared to girls and boys get terrified and shamed and they don't trust that they are safe
Male Roles are Harsh Compared to Female Roles- little boys observe that male roles (changing tires, outside work, construction, kitchen work with fryolators, moving, etc.) are tough and they get shamed and they don't trust that they are worthwhile
Toilets- little boys observe that men's rooms are not private (foul, lack curtains, mirrors, furniture, space, etc.) and they are shamed and don't trust that they are worthwhile
Sex Abuse- males observe that there is no protection for boys from sex abuse, no healing resources for incest victims, no expectations to heal from abuse and they are shamed and don't trust that they are safe
Physical Abuse- males observe that there is no protection for boys from physical abuse, no healing resources for victims, no expectation to heal from abuse and they are shamed and don't trust that they are safe
Exploitation of Males for Money- Males observe that their worth in marriage is $ money, that their worth to society is measured by their $ money's worth, their job, their property. (Young men are told that "if you want a woman you have to support her") If you want to make love with a woman you pay $ money for prostitute or pay $ money for date or pay a lot of $ money for marriage}} divorce}} alimony and child support and men are shamed and they don't trust that they are safe to be sexual or to love
Males as Protectors- males observe that they are expected to even risk their lives to protect women and children (in rescues we know "Women and children first" is the rule) and males are shamed and they don't trust that they are safe
Child Support- males observe that child support is really woman support as there is very little, if ever, $ money paid to fathers and called child support and men are duped and shamed and they don't trust that they are worth while
Males are Buffoons in Sitcoms and Movies- males observe that most males in entertainment are fools, abused, and play roles of insensitive, stupid, bungling idiots and men are shamed and don't trust that they have worth
Talk Shows with Male Bashing- men observe that there is male bashing on talk shows and that there is a lack of validation of male abuse on talk shows and men are shamed and don't trust that they are safe
Human Rights Commission and Other Efforts Cause Reverse Discrimination- males observe that Human Rights Commission and other protection agencies are intended not for them, but for women and minorities, and men are shamed and don't trust that they are safe and protected
Males are Kicked in the Crotch- what a shaming observation for males to be regularly shown in entertainment, feminist groups, rape groups, to be abused at their essence of maleness and they are shamed and don't trust that they are safe as males nor have worth (What a betrayal)
Condoms are Flagrantly and Threateningly Pushed as Women's Preferred Birth and Disease Control- I have seen fishbowls full of rainbow colored condoms in welfare agencies; males are shamed and abused by the methods of pushing condoms as the panacea; sometimes when I feel the anger about this, it seems that feminists would prefer to put king size condoms over the heads and down over the bodies of every male, and men are shamed and don't trust that they are safe
Feminist Groups- women help other women get jobs and help prevent men from getting jobs and men are shamed and don't trust, "Deadbeat Dads" in newspapers is shaming, women's groups, and lobbies, fight too hard and polarize men and come from hatred and anger and men are shamed and don't trust that they are safe
Women Turn to Other Women for Sex- easier, more appropriate gay sex for women than men, magazines, movies, sex movies, women focus more on their bodies for self-worth, (make-up, clothes, more exposure, their worth as sexual beings, their value as baby producers, etc.) and males are shamed and they don't trust that they are worthwhile
Nudity of Women OK; Not OK for Men- males are shamed about their bodies and don't trust they are safe or worthwhile
Man Says NO to Sex Compared to Woman Says NO to Sex- "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!" women are encouraged to say no, control sex, and men are expected to always say yes, and to perform with erection, and be in charge of woman's orgasm, and men are shamed and don't trust they have power or are safe
Male Incest Survivors are Jailed- since we don't help the male incest and sex abuse survivor, where do they go? We jail men when they act out the shame and rage of abuse; we don't jail women, we help them in rape agencies, women support groups, family crisis shelters, hospital "Women's units", college courses and therapies, etc., men are terrified and shamed and blamed and don't trust there is a safe place for them
Male Mentally Ill are Jailed and Women Mentally Ill are Aided and Supported to Heal- males are shamed and don't trust there is a safe place for them
Men Don't Talk and Complain About These Atrocities- males are isolated when they need validation, even from help from other men who are closed off to feelings, macho males, womanizer males, drunk males, and men are shamed and don't trust that they are safe to see the truth
Males as Drunks- males are shown bad roles of drunken males as majority of drunks and this role of the drunken male is shaming and men don't trust they have worth
Males are Encouraged to Fight in Competition Over Females- males are shown to pride fully possess females and fight over females by male animal rituals and male human rituals and males are shamed and don't trust they have worth and are safe from physical harm
Male Victim Not Accepted Role- males are not allowed to admit their helplessness, discuss their abuse, nor identify their victimizations and men are shamed and ridiculed and they don't trust that they are safe
Males Don't Cry- women and men tease, poke fun, shame boys and men when they cry, we fix them quickly with band-aid solutions, abandon them emotionally, and abuse them when they show signs of weakness or frailty and they are shamed and they don't trust that it is safe to feel
Men as Fathers- males observe "Ghost Dad" roles of fathers as normal, expected; males are not nurtured by fathers and they don’t nurture as fathers and males are shamed and they don't trust that they have worth
Males are quickly Accused as Sexual Perpetrators- males are quickly blamed as sex offenders with an attitude "better safe than sorry" when reporting and men are shamed and don't trust they can love
Males Abandoned by Partner at Child's Birth- mothers abandon partners at children's birth and the priority of the adult partnership is wrongly inverted (without the partnership the child's welfare diminishes rapidly) children are regularly emotionally incested by mothers who love too much, and substitute mothering as priority to being partner, and males are shamed and don't trust their needs are important

Nasty Notes:

Now I can see how much trouble our women get in while the Vatican ‘divide, and conquer’ genocidal, child-sacrifice, exorcism-in-reverse, mind-control would scare the Hell out of, ever wanting to martyr/marry an Earth man, man…

Now I can see how much trouble our men get in while the Vatican ‘divide and Conquer’ genocidal, child-sacrifice, exorcism-in-reverse mind-control would scare the Hell out of ever wanting to martyr/marry an Earth woman man-mirror, man… double-U miming bofus-too.