New App Pings Users Every Time Trump Does Some Unbelievable Thing

CUPERTINO

Apple announced today that it's introducing a new application called "Trump-Ping" for its mobile devices that will alert the user every time Trump (or anyone associated with him) says or does some unprecedented, unconscionable, egregious, shocking, or outrageous thing.

"We're really excited about the possibilities of this app," said Sam Jones, spokesperson for Apple. "Users have told us they can't keep up with Trump's shenanigans, and we were like, 'Eureka!' Let's just send an alert directly to people's smart phones so that they don't have to wait even ten seconds to begin the process of deconstructing on social media whatever he said or did!"

Apple plans to make Trump-Ping available through November 8, or until the country ceases its uniform and seemingly limitless fixation with the riveting and (to some) terrifying spectacle of Donald Trump.