America's Pussy Has a Name: It's Philadephia, and It's Slapping Trump's Hand Away

By now the whole world knows that Donald Trump loves "pussy." Specifically, he loves "grabbing" pussy, and he's spent the past 18 months trying to grab America by the pussy too. 

Which is entirely consistent with Trump's M.O., because everything Trump has done over the course of his lifetime confirms that he takes whatever he wants by force, with impunity, and like a mercenary with no loyalty to anything or anyone other than his own self-promotion and self-interest. Especially if that person or thing has or is a pussy.

But I digress, because the point here is I did a deep dive into the dark history of America's pussy to determine how truly welcome Trump's advances would be on November 8.

Short answer: not very.

The Battles of Lexington and Concord, fought on April 19, 1775, kicked off the American Revolution and in this way the two quaint Massachusetts hamlets are sort of the "uterus" and "Fallopian tubes" of America, if you will. 

The war ended on September 3, 1783 with the signing of the Treaty of Paris--in, of all places, Paris. So some scholars think of Paris as basically America's continental OB/GYN, which delivered America screaming and crying like a pink monkey onto the World Stage, swaddled her in a hospital-issued hat and blanket, slapped a little plastic bracelet around her wrist with the number "931783" on it, and inked her foot as she made her first mark upon the world.

But historians consider America's actual pussy to be the first capital of the newborn, freed Republic, which was Philadelphia. Philadelphia, as most readers know, is in Pennsylvania. And Pennsylvania is a prized swing state with a bounty of electoral votes in the upcoming general election. 

Recent polling, however, reveals that Trump's grab for Pennsylvania is a most unwelcome gesture. The latest polls show that a politician named Hillary Clinton who has--of all things--a pussy, is beating Trump there by double digits thanks mostly to Philadelphia and its outlying labia suburbs.

So even though Trump is confident that he can "do anything" because he's a "star," one thing he can't seem to do is get a decent grasp on America's pussy.

And for someone who is otherwise allegedly so adept in the indelicate art of pussy-grabbing, there's only one word for that: 

LOSER!


American revolutionaries emerging from a pussy-shaped tent to do battle for the nascent Republic.