New health records released by the Trump campaign reveal that Donald Trump is, genetically speaking, composed of 75% Que Bueno brand nacho cheese sauce product. The remaining 25% is tepid air, corn silk, and miscellaneous biomatter.
The disclosure comes as something of a shock, since never before has an animate mass of palm kernel oil, sodium phosphate, aged white cheddar, acetic acid, yellow #7, jalapeño extract, modified corn starch, and monodiglycerides ever run for the office of the United States Presidency.
Then again, Trump has broken the mold in other unexpected and unprecedented ways, such as insulting a federal judge, a POW, the family of a Gold Star soldier who died in battle, Jews, Muslims, women, Mexicans, Black People, "Hispanics," disabled people, journalists, and firefighters.
So it's actually somewhat predictable that Mr. Trump would turn out to be physically composed of a fluorescent orange cheese-flavored product as opposed to sinews, bones, veins, and tissue that form the basis of life for ordinary humans beings.
Scientists and policy wonks alike were agog: "This is certainly unprecedented," said Tim Jones, a professor at Harvard University's John F. Kennedy School of Government.
"Not since Netflix dropped Wild Kratts has the future of our nation's children been so uncertain," Dr. Jones added. "It certainly accounts for his orange hue, but the more interesting question, I think, is whether 170 pounds of Que Bueno and corn silk has the temperament to be President?"
