Being a Finalist in the Blog Paws Nose to Nose Awards is a major thing in our Palace, and peeps was supposed to be going in my stead. However due to a fear of absolutely everything from flying, meeting people and wearing smart, matching clothes, we seem to be having a few problems deciding....
Now look, peeps, are you going or not? I mean technically it should be me going and not you anyhow, and by anyhow I don't mean going in any fashion, no ma'am that would be plain daft as it would take way too long, for example if you went by camel, or maybe train.
Of course those two methods of transport do have a fundamental flaw, and by that I don't mean things you walk on. OK trains do have floors and an absolute must they are, certainly if they were to be travelling across water they'd stop the ol' paws getting damp. But as they have these floors which aren't flaws, they still do have flaws (and floors) namely they don't work on water on account of there being none of those inflatable water wing supports. Mouses!
Which brings to to another question for Miss Description, if she ever manages to get back off her holiday, why are camels called ships of the desert? For starters there is little or no water, and camels to the best of my knowledge and page three of my Kittipedia, don't float or have sails or propellers! OK I'm not one to criticise or prejudge...er... OK maybe just a bit, but until I see a camel floating, with a cream and Niptini bar, I for one will not be choosing that means of transport. Mouses!
WHAT! What do you mean I cant go on account of being a cat and all. Being a cat has never stopped anyone doing things, cat things or not. I for one never feel inhibited or restricted, even without opposable thumbs. I mean I write this blog, I multi task across the estate. OK I don't always multitask at the same time, but I do need to have my naps, and I do think of tasks I have to do whilst I'm napping, well sometimes. purrsAnyways, stop deflecting, why cant I go, huh? And don't give me that I'm a cat and don't have a passport, or money or somewhere to put my money or... or... well everything you were going to say but I cant quite recall on account of it being totally boring.
What! I wouldn't like all the noise and fuss and the fumes and chaos? Well I dare say, but once we had managed to get the car packed I'm sure I'd be OK. purrs
Now are you going or not? This is a once in a lifetime chance here peeps ol' pal. OK it may technically be more frequent for us cats, a once in a lifetime times nine, but you do really need to get a grip and decide. There will be things to do here, like sandwiches to make and rations for the trip, like the longlife cream pots, and nip sachets.
Then there'll be suntan cream and a selection of magazines and a hat, not forgetting all the poolside kit, towels to reserve the best spot before anyone else gets there. I mean one has a lot to think about, a lot of lists to make and lots of those sticky aide memoir it notes to stick to everything you need. In fact if you stick them to things you don't need you can cover all the bases in case you find you do need them after all. And if you get those multi coloured notes we can leave them up till Christmas and save on decorations! purrs
Anyways, enough of my preparations for whilst your're gone, what you need to do is get organised and book a flight! I mean how difficult can it be?
****** Six hours later! ******
Now look peeps, this ISN'T difficult. All you do is click on that there button, *CLICK* like so, and voila we have a..... OOOPS! Er, peeps ol' pal, is Australia anywhere near Phoenix, Arizona? Apparently you're leaving on a jet plane in the next... er... hmm 2 hours. Mouses! you should have said, I'd have made some sandwiches for you! purrs
What do men you DON'T want to fly to Australia? It's on the way isn't it? and think of all those Hare-Miles vouchers you could pick up... and the cute and cuddly koalas, kangaroos, and crocodiles.... OK maybe not the crocodiles, but the possums are really cute. purrs
Whats that peeps? its Air-Miles not Hare Miles? Well I thought you'd want the fastest way to travel, and as it's not March, so it's bound, no pun intended, to be quite level headed and a fast way to go. purrs
Look peepers ol' forgetful one, ALL you have to do is overcome your fear of flying, overcome your fear of meeting new people, going new places eating at new restaurants, eating AT restaurants, social niceties and
etiquette.......
****** Some time later! ******
......... and not least of all your bad dress sense. Not much really, but I'm pleased to say all this can be resolved by a few of my special nip mice taken just before take off followed by a large Niptini!
Hmm, OK I take it back, the bad dress sense might just sink the whole plane... er... the camel... oops... sink the plan. Mouses!
Maybe it would be better to go in disguise? a historical character maybe? Or you could go as someone from history, like from Madame Tussuad's wax works museum in London? You know the one, where they have famous peeps who used candles. Second thoughts, maybe not, I have seen you with a candle and it's not a pretty sight, no ma'am, worse than all those Halloween movies rolled into one, and those poor folk at Blog Paws would be running for the hills. Mouses!
What about Puss in Boots? Suave, cool, sophisticated, agile of foot and with a blade, big enchanting eyes.... hang on, sorry strike that, those were the reason you couldn't go as that! Although the image of you with a tail some long boots and one of those dapper Musketeer hats would be cool. Mind you it would raise a few eyebrows at the immigration department, I mean there would be the question over rabies shots and quarantine. Mouses!I know, we'll send you as a famous traveller or explorer, that way you'll get there all brave and intrepid. OK so you may have to fight a few dangerous tribes of never before seen head hunting natives, herds of bone crunching alligators, flocks of vampire bats, monsters from pre-history, pirates, aliens and such like, but nobody ever said getting to the airport would be easy!
What do you mean you're stopping my subscription to the Sci-Fi channel? You mean that isn't the news round up? Mouses! no wonder I thought the neighbourhood was on the slide. purrs
OK, so going as Dr Livingstone probably isn't the best disguise due a certain punctuality issue, nor that brave Captain Oats, though snow won't be an issue in Phoenix which they say is as hot as the legendary bird. Now the thought of self roasting birds rather appeals, and I'm sure my new pal and fellow finalist, Bear Cat, would be suitably impressed with that too, having the fondness for roasted chickens, as he does. purrs
Now peeps, you must decide, NOW!
Look at this web page, there's a nice friendly looking flight attendant in this image, she says you get a chauffeur to the airport, no monsters, luxury spar treatment on arrival, shops restaurants, and even a bed on the airplane. You could sleep the entire fourteen hour flight away in absolute luxury....
Even better, it says all this can be yours for £10 or $14! Go on peeps, splash out, live dangerously. I know it's a lot of money but it will be worth it, think of it as an investment in me, if you like.
****** CLICK ******
AT LAST! Whoopee! Houston, we have lift off! Now get your bags, we'll start to sort out your camping survival gear, malaria tablets and Bowie pen knife. I wonder if you get a place for your tracker/guide/man servant to travel on board too? Best check the flight reservation
****** clattering of keys *******
Er... peeps. What's it mean when it says Balance to pay: £7,201 (each way). I don't think we know anyone called Balance, do we?
Peeps, ol' pal, why have you just gone gray? Shall I get a Doctor? ................ Peeps?
