What Does It Say About Me That My Earliest Memory is Shitting in a Pull-Up on Purpose?

But before I get to answering that question, let's talk about the fact that I Google-imaged kids' potties and this is what came up. I don't even think they make this for adults, but clearly they should. Regardless, it's obvious that this iPad Baby Einstein potty is a poor weapon in the battle against too much screen time. I mean, if your child learns to associate even life's basic excretory functions with something marketed by Silicon Valley tech bros, then truly all hope for humanity is lost.

But back to my earliest memory.

I can see it now, like a sepia-toned snapshot from 1979. I'm two years old and I'm standing against the doorframe of my childhood bedroom in the apartment where my parents still live today. I was wearing nothing but a plain white off-brand pull-up. (This was before the time when you couldn't help but make every part of your child's body--including their ass--a walking/crawling billboard for Disney-Pixar).

I had a little red, plastic potty chair and I knew how to use it. But I didn't want to, was the thing. Even at that young age, I knew instinctively that you should always, ALWAYS shit in your pants and let someone else change them if you could get away with it.

That's an instinct I seem to have lost over time, forgetting that the world's most successful people do some metaphorical version of this all their lives. Like probably the very same people who invented this Baby Einstein iPad potty.

And that's why I never got rich on Baby Einstein iPad potties.