Arianna Huffington Says I Have Time to Take My Fat Ass to Pilates

"Being swamped is SO 2014," a friend said wryly when she emailed me today with this article, in which Arianna Huffington--editor-in-chief of the eponymous Huffington Post and unofficial queen of modern media's intelligentsia--gives you, me, and the rest of the First World's bedraggled masses a little pat on our collective frazzled head by assuring us that "there's enough money time in her your life for everything important."  

Thank GOD you guys. FINALLY! I can stop suffering under the delusion that the only 37 minutes in a 24 hour cycle of personal and professional drudgery bliss that I have to myself is 5:00-5:14 a.m. and 9:00-9:23 p.m, and get on with what really matters: starting a crowd-funding campaign for my new line of hemp baby slings; making a dozen cupcakes from scratch that look exactly like those little yellow minion guys from Despicable Me; going to a 2.5 hour Pilates class; and grabbing a Venti iced half-caf Americano from Starbucks on my way home.

Let O.H.M. help you turn over a new leaf by saving you the precious nine minutes it would take to read Arianna's article for yourself, and just sum it up here instead. Basically, if Arianna knew at 22 what she knows now, she would "save [you] from the perpetually harried, stressed-out existence" she experienced for so long before she had a gazillion dollars saw the light. 

You see darlings, "our culture is obsessed with time," and "when it comes to winning the war on time famine, we are our own worst enemies. To win that war, first we have to declare that we want to change," or so says the 52nd "most powerful woman in the world" according to Forbes magazine. 

Oh, thank you, thank you wise, noble, worldly, and extremely-well-aging Arianna, whose perfect coif is clearly prepared each morning by a six-person team of salaried hair-fairies. I hereby declare that I want to change. I want to "win the war" on "time famine!" I am FAMISHED! I'ts like 1845 in Ireland up in here. Please help me put some time potatoes in my empty tummy, 'cause I'm "my own worst enemy" with this shit.

Let's see. What do I need to do?  At a minimum (and speaking of famine), I need to change my eating habits. According to her bio on Wikipedia, Arianna spent her 30's "touring three star restaurants in France" with her boyfriend. I've spent my 30's mindlessly eating cold leftover chicken dipped in ranch dressing with my bare hands while standing at my sticky kitchen counter and staring off into space. I should really take the time to fly to Cannes and sit down to a nice seven-course meal prepared by Alain Ducasse. N'est-ce-pas?

Right-y-O. Ok. Done. Next!

I should also make time to determine what's lame now, because that is very important. In 1998, Arianna said of American politics: "The right/left divisions are so outdated now. For me, the primary division is between people who are aware of what I call 'the two nations' (rich and poor), and those who are not." And this was 1998! Even then, Arianna was busy declaring what's not cool anymore---before it was even cool to declare what's not cool anymore! It was Arianna's progressive view of "time" that helped her achieve this transcendental state of enlightenment, which brings us to the present day, when being busy is for losers.

See, all we need to do is become naturalized citizens of Rich Nation, and then we will no longer be "starved" for time. Because according to Arianna, it's all about "making time" for "what's important." But if we're being honest, Arianna, it's also about making a fuck-ton of money to pay someone else to give you back your time, so that you can use it to leisurely inspect seventeen varieties of heirloom tomatoes at the Marin County farmer's market at 11:00 a.m. on a Tuesday morning.

Because when you're like a good friend  hero of mine who's a single mother of four kids under 13 and working two jobs with no child care, it's all your fault that you keep trying to pack so much into the day. You just need to change your outlook and realign your priorities! Then you won't need to worry your pretty little head about stupid shit like kids' socks and dirty pots and voice mail at work and babysitters and all the other things you can pay someone else to deal with. Instead, you'll be able to eat escargot in Paris and have sufficient time to tell the poors how to "enjoy the benefits of time affluence." Yep. You'll never be famished again!

Yesterday, we went for a family walk after dinner, and Isaac stopped to throw some rocks at a tree. Sensing he might be holding up the works with this diversion, he turned to me and literally said verbatim:  "Let's just take our time and enjoy our life, mom." 

See, who needs Arianna? I've got my four year-old son giving me the exact same advice.  

Smart kid.