Monkeys ….

So I've actually been kinda grumpy and wound up lately, and feeling hassled about the world and my life, and moaning to friends about how much parenting I do and how intense it is and how the summer holidays were incredibly long and how this school year began but only for two days and then stopped and then we had a long weekend and how Mr D went away for 5 days for work ….

And I've been thinking that I need to get into some meditating or some such to calm my brain down and just chill the fuck out so I can feel happy and peaceful again (if I ever did? I'm sure I do a lot…) and I followed lots of lovely advice from blog readers and downloaded Headspace again and started their 10-day free trial and listened to Day 1 and the nice English man guiding me through a meditation but that was 3 days ago and I still haven't done Day 2 ….

And I found the Oprah and Deepak meditation site and registered via email for something-I'm-not-sure-what, it was all rather confusing, nothing is free but then sometimes they offer stuff free? Maybe I'll get another email when it's ready? There was a free sample on the App but it was also confusing, just an Indian man (Deepak?) saying 'I will embrace all the beauty around' (or something) about five times and then just some music which was nice but reminded me of beauty therapist music - whales and chimes and all floaty sounds… could only listen for five minutes because in the background was the sound of a man playing a video game on YouTube which my 8-year-old was listening to really loudly.

And still I'm kind of grumpy and dissatisfied and I keep thinking 'what the hell is wrong with your life you crazy woman your problems are so very 'first world problems' get over yourself' and I try to cheer up but the kids are still very full on and I get very crampy with a bad period (sorry TMI) and I start to think it is maybe just the hormones that is making me grumpy.

Then last night some girlfriends come over and we talk about menopause and how that's the next thing for us to have to get ready for. And I tell them I'm crampy and grumpy and they tell me I've been through a lot lately and we all share about our lives and it's wonderful and female and restorative but still I think 'first world problems get over yourself you've got nothing at all to worry about'.

And then I get up in the night and pull a muscle or something in my hip so now my entire back right side lower back is sore and it keeps me awake and I'm worrying about getting old (and now I'm typing worrying that I am sounding very intense and wound up). And then at breakfast Mr D says he'll take all the boys to school and I'm thinking that I should go to the gym because that's what I do now, but then my hip is hurting and suddenly they've all left the house and I'm still in my pajamas so I get back into bed.

And then I remember someone on my last post mentioned Tara Brach's guided meditation podcasts and I think 'of course!' because I love Tara Brach - she is my guru but I only listen to her hour long talks, not her 20-minute guided meditations (of course because sitting in the quiet isn't something I do, the talks are active listening and that's why I like them).. so I pull a Tara guided meditation up on my iPad and start listening.

And I breath like she tells me to, I don't chant 'om' like she tells me to but I hear all the people on the recording with her chanting 'om' and that is lovely but then I start thinking about them and wondering about their lives and then I hear the recycling truck pouring bottles in around the neighborhood and I realise we forgot to put our rubbish out last night and then I start planning a trip to the dump this weekend, then I listen to Tara and try to quiet my mind but then I start planning some work stuff and it goes like this until I say out loud 'sorry Tara' and turn the meditation off with 4 mins and 58 seconds still to go.

And then I pick up my book because I'm still thinking this being in bed thing is a good thing, and I resume reading 'Eat, Pray, Love' by Elizabeth Gilbert and she is writing about trying to learn how to meditate while at an Ashram in India and she writes about her monkey brain and her fighting against her thoughts and ego and busy busy brain and the awful time she has every time she has to meditate and the fighting that goes on in her head and then suddenly she writes about an intense moment that occurs for her when all the chattering, negative thoughts in her mind scatter and a regal silence follows: "An intense, vibrating, awed silence."

And then I remember someone on our site saying they experience moments of pure joy when meditating.

And then I think this is what I am going to work on.

Love, Mrs D xxx