Boozing has it's attractions...

In some ways a boozy existence is actually an easier one I reckon.  Even though you feel ill a lot of the time and guilty and dysfunctional (which I did), when you booze regularly as a means of emotion suppressing it's easier to live a cruisy, breezy life.

I practiced emotion-suppressing (heavy, steady drinking) for all of my adult life and as a result I was able to sail through times of stress, sadness or hurt relatively easily.  I could escape a lot with the help of my companion vino.

As I've written before my boozing was high-functioning boozing.  I ran a seemingly healthy life with good relationships but I kept my feelings at bay constantly by always dulling myself with wine.  I look now at people still doing that with a bit of envy.

It would be really nice to have an escape.  It would be really really nice to be able to reach for something that, in the short term at least, makes life easier to handle.  That's the attraction of boozing.  That's why we did it.  It helps with pain.

So take away the booze and what helps with dealing with that emotional pain?  Sometimes it's nothing. Sometimes you just have to feel the goddamn pain and let it out.

For me this means I cry a lot more (I'm getting used to not caring if people see my cry.  Not much chance of hiding my tears lately).  This also means I'm angrier more and am less tolerant with my kids (especially at the end of a long day).  I hate this, it makes me feel really guilty and I'm trying hard to stop doing it while also trying not to beat myself up about it.

What else can you do in place of boozing?  Exercise is good I suppose and I am off to a new gym now for my introduction session.  Let me be clear about me and exercise.  I don't particularly like it.  I'm not sporty.  I have flat feet.  But if I don't exercise I don't feel so good so I put it in my life as a priority because it makes me feel better.  Mentally and physically.  I usually only go 2 times a week, sometimes 3. But I'm smart enough now to just put it in place and treat it like putting out the garbage.  Something that has to be done.

Being sober means I've kind of become more measured, more serious perhaps.  I can't be breezy and cheery all the time anymore.  I can't suppress emotions, push them aside and pretend (believe) that everything is just fine.   Everything isn't fine all of the time and being sober means doing it raw, baby.  I said to someone the other day it's like I'm on a mechanical bull of emotion and it's tossing me this way and that.  But don't worry, I'm holding tight to the reigns and won't let go.

Love, Mrs D xxx