Surprisingly helpful

While there are many interesting things about someone reading my blog, which is all about my thoughts and feelings after giving up alcohol and learning how to live sober, getting snippy with me and telling me to 'go have a drink PLEASE and stop all the whining' ... it was actually a surprisingly helpful comment.

Because yes, anonymous, I could stop all the whining and go and have a drink (or 3 or 5).  In fact that's what I could have chosen to do in that moment the other night when I was finding things hard.  The kitchen was in chaos, there was rice all over the floor left over from dinner, the kids were screaming in the bath and the champagne was in the fridge ready for our friends who were coming over.  I was exhausted (insomnia), stressed (did I mention we're relocating?!), and grumpy, and I was throwing myself a pity party.

I could  have in that moment gone to the fridge and grabbed a beer or poured myself a wine and drunk it.  Drunk it, drunk it, drunk it.  I could have stopped all the gritty feelings and had some alcohol.  Just have some alcohol!!!! (I hear you cry).  Stop all the bloody whining and moaning and have some goddam bloody alcohol, it's not hard.  You just pour .. bend your elbow .. open your throat and in it goes.  Easy.  Easy, easy, easy.  Easy way out.

But I didn't do that.  I jumped on the computer, navigated to my blog and vented in a short and sharp (unusual) way for myself, refusing to sign off or give kisses.  Then .... I felt better. I got up, got the vacuum out and started cleaning up the mess.  Got the kids in their PJs, put chips in a bowl and got hummus out of the fridge and got out four champagne flutes.

When our friends arrived I poured lemon, lime and bitters into my glass and clinked 'congratulations!' with the rest of them and sat and chatted for two hours.  Went to bed, slept like crap, but woke up without a hangover.  Because I didn't stop whining and have a drink.  I whined.  I whined and I felt better.

It's such a head game this sobriety.  Sometimes you want to throw a pity party and whine about not being able to drink, because you want attention or recognition or just to be self-indulgent.  Sometimes you feel great and powerful and so happy to be sober (especially when there are tragic drunks around you).. and sometimes (and these times grow so so slowly but they do grow) you just don't think about alcohol at all and just live.

So when the snippy anonymous comment came a couple of days later, after I had recovered from feeling a little slapped, it actually made me feel better.  Yeah, you're right.  I could stop whining and just take a bloody drink, but I didn't, and there's nofuckingway that's what I'm ever going to do.  The comment made me imagine having done that and I felt sick. Thank god I didn't.  So cheers for the hard attitude because I can push back and stay sober.  You watch me.  And anyway, if you read to the end of that snippy comment, there's a very powerful line ... 'And you'll see how much you don't need it anyway'.

Cheers to that.

Love, Mrs D xxx
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