I've been obsessed a bit with Wyatt's birth lately. I imagine it's been on my mind because I have been working out. I hate to admit this, but I bought the Mama Wants Her Body Back workout videos (regular, Booty & Abs) and I've used them off & on for a few years. (Mostly off...) But since we moved here, I've started doing them. Particularly the ab video. It is super easy, ten minutes, and I can feel it working.
Working on my abs, and feeling the muscles growing stronger near my cesarean scar (I say "scar" as opposed to "scars" because they cut me open in the same exact spot twice) has got me thinking of my whole birth experience with our newest addition.
It was awful, to put it simply. My pregnancy had not been idyllic. Then to follow that with a 24+ hour labor to no avail and an eventual c-section after all that effort was really crappy.
At the time I was just happy to have the baby out, healthy. I was grateful that the twins were cared for and I had Josh by my side. I was thankful for the four days we had in the hospital, just the three of us, a glimpse of the life we missed by bringing twins into the world on our first parenting go-round.
But now I realize how much I missed. I missed out on birthing him. I labored. Good lord, did I labor! But I didn't get to complete what I started. But what really bothers me isn't that I had him taken out like the twins. What bothers me is how completely exhausted & out of it I was for his first 24 hours on the planet. I missed out on his first bath- I kept falling asleep, literally in the middle of sentences- as well as memories of my parents being there, holding him. I don't remember any of it...
I was swollen for days from all the liquids they were pumping me full of in an effort to get labor going. And I remember distinctly how heavy my eyes felt. Particularly when they first pulled him out. Josh was sitting somewhat behind my head, and I told him, "I want to open my eyes and look at him, but I just can't."
Then while we were in recovery I physically couldn't open them. I was so completely sleep deprived, all I could do was lay there while Josh held our little boy.
---
We've been talking that Wyatt will likely be the last little Cunningham for us, and while no firm decisions have been made, I am feeling good about that. I am okay with not being pregnant again. I am okay with not recovering from another c-section. I am okay with having three little boys & a husband who loves me. I am lucky to have them.
---
And even though my birth experience with Wyatt was not all that positive, the goal of a healthy baby being born was accomplished, and I am trying my hardest to enjoy everyday with him now....