A confession..

This is stupid actually, I don't know what I'm doing.  But I'm having the occasional cigarette.  Why? Why? Why? There's no benefit, no fun woozy boozy feeling, in fact sometimes it actually gives me a nervy tummy and makes me feel a little insecure for a time, but I keep doing it.

Just went away for the weekend with friends and the bloke in the couple is a smoker and I found myself sharing ciggies with him all the time.  Then in the evening Mr D would have a few too while drinking.  It's kind of flash back to our boozy faggy days from our youth (except our 'youth' lasted through till mid 30s and is still lingering a bit now).

Aside from the fact that a packet of cigarettes is so friggin expensive, it's just dumb!  Dumb, dumb, dumb. Must stop.

That smoking bloke also asked me on the weekend if I was resentful of others drinking.  Interesting question.  I said no, that it was more a 'woe is me' feeling toward myself rather than a resentful feeling towards others.

To be honest (although I didn't say this to him) I still have the feeling when others are drinking (especially when they're really hitting it) that they can't see as clearly as I now do what a crutch and a fallacy alcohol is.  That's the super-clever part of me coming out.

And again I'm left with that dichotomy.  The proud me feeling oh-so-clever and enlightened and the sorry for myself me feeling just like a loser addict.

Aaarrrgghhh too much analysis and introspection!

Off on a plane this weekend to a wedding - child free!  It will be a very very very boozy affair and that's fine by me.  I will confess though, I will have a packet of fags tucked away in my handbag.  Then that's it, no more ciggies after that, I promise.

Love, Mrs D xxx