We believe in simplicity, yet we spend thousands of dollars on our weddings. We offend many relatives by not inviting them, or inviting them in small numbers, yet over 700 guests attend the reception. Some 300 guests attend the Henna ceremony and some 250 will attend the lunch reception. In total we entertain some 1250 guests over three days. Of course, it is a lot of fun, but we spend most of our savings. |
Weddings, as one of the only sources of entertainment especially for women, are considered to be a public affair in most parts of Afghanistan. Even if not invited, many just decide to show up and expect hospitality. The traditional logic for being an uninvited guest is the responsibility to share joy. The logic for welcoming an uninvited guest is that “guests are God’s friends.” The term used is wolasi, which roughly translates into national, where wolas means nation. So weddings have been wolasi affairs for centuries, and families have had the entire village attending their wedding ceremonies. Though feeding large numbers of guests have always been a burden on families, owing to traditional values and social pressure, exceptions to this social norm have been rarely observed. |
Afghanistan, which has been a predominantly agricultural society with most of its population living in rural areas, has undergone changes in the past 10 years. Since the fall of the Taliban, and with the presence of hundreds of international organizations, companies and firms, consumer products and services from many regional and international producers have found their way to the markets in Afghanistan. The imported consumer products offer variety, better quality and cheap price, thus offering the middle and lower middle classes a better bargain as compared to Afghan produced consumer products. This process, in addition to causing local small business to collapse, is driving urbanization at an unprecedented pace and in a geographically imbalanced way, resulting in concentration of capital, goods and services in certain areas in Afghanistan. These areas are becoming urban centers. Lack of security in most parts of Afghanistan, in particular rural areas, is the impediment to balanced distribution of imported consumer goods and services to all provincial markets in Afghanistan. This means that imported goods and services are concentrated in relatively secure urban centers, which are increasingly becoming home to greater numbers of population. As a result, significant portions of the population are driven to the urban centers due to this concentration of capital, goods and services, relatively better security, better employment opportunities, access to education and other basic services. For instance, Kabul, one of the 34 provinces, is home to more than 4 million Afghans, i.e. 1/7th of the entire population.
So urbanization has kick started, but not as a result of dynamics of internal development, but as a consequence of concentration of capital, imported products and services in the cities. This means that the population has not yet realized the shift and is not yet ready to make adjustments in their life styles accordingly. This lack of realization of a changed reality of life and lack of preparation to accommodate new conditions -through cultural and value shifts- is an adaptive challenge for the people of Afghanistan. This paper studies the reflection of this adaptive challenge in weddings as a traditional wolasi ceremonial affair.
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Life in the city is different. There is more work to do, more bills to pay, more money to earn, less space to occupy, less people to meet and less time to spend in social activities. Owing to this difference one may expect the tradition of wolasi weddings to have lost momentum, only wrongly though. Weddings continue to be wolasi affairs and families continue to show up uninvited and expect uninvited guests. The difference is that villages were less populated, scattered over large areas with lack of transport and communication facilities, which limited the number and width of social associations a family could have. In the cities however, the number and width of social associations of a family increase due to improved communication and transport facilities and large concentration of population over small areas. This difference has made the burden of entertaining large numbers of guests even more burdensome, as unlike villages where you had a big house or the luxury of holding the wedding in a village garden for free, no space is provided free of cost in the cities. The only option is to reserve a wedding hall, where you pay as per the number of guests seated on the wedding night. And you ought to be a millionaire in Afghanistan to do this!
It is not just the wedding hall that costs more. Owing to a different standard of living in urban areas, everything costs more. The bridegroom has to cover the costs of pre and post wedding dinners and lunches, jewelry in gold and a couple of wedding gowns for the bride, suits for himself, beauty salon visit of the bride and her close relatives, live music, sound system, photography and videography, flowers, hall and bridal car decoration. Some bridegrooms also have to pay a bride price or dowry. These expenses render the average cost of a wedding to be between $10,000 and $30,000. To put things in context, the annual earning of a fortunate civil servant in Afghanistan is between $2,500 and $5,000. Remember, I said, fortunate!
So it is not just war, terrorism, corruption, drugs, human trafficking, poverty, illiteracy, maternal mortality, child labor, self immolation and lack of access to basic services that is killing Afghans. We as a nation face a serious adaptive challenge. We are spending many times more than we can possibly earn and in doing so, we not only compromise our future by not saving, but also waste resources that could be spent in more valuable areas such as education, health and shelter. We are ignoring to see the reality and run away from undergoing a shift in values because we are scared of losing some of those values. We value others’ perception of us more than we value our existing reality and possible future. We like to appear to be doing great in life. We think that our social gatherings, wedding being one of them, are supposed to reflect our assumed success in life. The desire of being perceived as successful by relatives and friends drives us so much that we sacrifice our lives, our children’s lives and their future for it. We think hundred times before paying for a medical test required for diagnosis by a physician. We think not even once before feeding 1200 guests on one night.
Since the financial burden of weddings is on the bridegroom, men tend to complain more than women do. But all they do is complain about it. They feel overwhelmed by the implicit and at times explicit expectation of having big weddings, so treat it to be more of a social norm that cannot be challenged, which is why hardly anyone dares to be different. There are different perspectives on the issue. Some think that it is not wise to not “do in Rome, as Romans do.” As a result, they succumb to peer pressure and continue the tradition. Some complain when it’s their turn to pay, but avenge when it is someone else’s turn. Some consider it an opportunity to exchange hospitality and pay back to relatives and friends, whose weddings they have been attending all this long. For some this is a problem that the government should address. This group of people avoids the work by asking the government to force them into doing it through a technical fix.
And the government seems to have taken this last faction of people seriously. Initiated by the religious conservatives in the government, a bill was proposed to put a ban on big fat weddings in 2010. In addition to placing restrictions on the length of the ceremony, number of guests and costs per guest, the bill also proposed to restrict, on the basis of Islamic Law, women’s choice of dress and families’ choice of gathering (mixed or gender segregated.)
The reaction to this technical fix has been mostly negative, though work on the bill continues. Civil society organizations rejected the bill as government’s interference in private family affairs and rightly diagnosed the conservative hands in the background that aimed at restricting women in general. Young women with dreams of becoming a bride, wearing the white and green gown and being the center of attention for 3 days hated the idea. These restrictions were going to take away their possibly only chance at receiving unquestioned love, affection, attention, care, respect and importance as brides. Intellectually open minded families didn’t like the idea of being forced into gender segregated gatherings. But the main and strongest opposition has come from the wedding industry, namely the owners of the wedding halls, wedding planners and decoration centers and highly fashionable wedding gown stores. This bill has the potential to destroy their businesses.
The bill is a good relief for a faction of society that complains of high wedding costs, i.e. mostly young men. However, this technical fix is nothing but the result of the entire population’s work avoidance. Considering the power of conservative elements, the possibility of complete rejection of the bill is very small. On the other hand, considering the corruption in the government, the possibility of the bill succeeding in becoming a law that does not affect the businesses is very high. The conservatives may continue to push for it as a tool for maintaining control of society and family life, thus suppressing women. The businesses may bribe the legislature into cancelling the anti-wedding industry elements of the bill. As a result, what may remain will be a law that adds to the restrictions on family life and women’s freedom of clothing.
The situation that we are facing cannot be addressed with a technical fix. It requires adaptive work. The work at the center is not to attack our social values of connectedness, or reject people’s space for sharing. On the contrary I think that the fact that hundreds of people come to share your pain of loss when someone dies plays a significant role in helping you deal with the pain of loss; the fact that we visit our relatives, neighbors and friends on a number of uncounted occasions in one year and receive uninvited guests ensures and maintains our ability to bond in and bridge over, and therefore secure a relatively healthy society; the fact that no one’s doors are closed to you and that you can go to see anyone without an appointment fills my hearth with warmth; the fact that I don’t need to ask my father if he is available for dinner makes my life a lot more normal; and the fact that we have fewer cases of psychological disorder due to loneliness is very valuable. We definitely need to maintain and preserve these values.
However, are we following the teachings of our own religion that call for balance in just about everything that we do? Are we spending in a balanced way? Are we dividing our time between social activities and pursuit of educational and professional career in a balanced way? Do we have a balanced relation with our immediate family and rest of the relatives? Are we spending on today and saving for tomorrow in a balanced way? And the answer to these questions is no.
I think that in regards to this problem, Afghanistan is facing a transition challenge. The realities of our life have changed and we must shift our values in order to make space for new realities and continue to grow. The world has entered 21st century, but our mind-sets are still stuck in 18th century. It is like stepping out in the daylight with eyes closed thinking it is dark, so why open eyes if nothing can be seen.
Urbanization, depending on the frame and interpretation, can be a threat as well as an opportunity. It can be a threat in as much as it is perturbing the equilibrium of the social life for 80% of society: the rural population. It is an unwanted call for change in the system of living for a majority of population. However, if viewed from a different angle, urbanization can be an opportunity for Afghanistan to grow out of its isolation. If not today, tomorrow we will have to strive for some standing in comparison to the rest of the world. The sooner we realize this, the better. We are already lagging behind by centuries. We will have to work harder to catch up. And in this effort, the hours in a day are just not sufficient; we will have to count the nights as well to compensate for the difference in development. It is upon us to sense the threat and see the opportunity in this change in reality and make space for it. It is a call for real leadership.
Making space for a new reality will not be easy. Some of what we have must be gotten rid of to create space. We will have to unlearn some habits, to adjust to new ones; let go of some traditional values to adapt to new ones; modify some practices in order to be able to see the reality; and walk to daylight with open eyes in order to see the difference between day and night. In this particular case we will have to detach ourselves from our desire to appear successful; face our reality of life, own it, reflect it and still feel proud; move the source of our pride from apparent success to real achievement with capacity to contribute to our own lives and to the society at large; promote the habit of saving vs. spending; value future more than we value present; and live a simpler life today, to ensure equally simple life for tomorrow.
Afghans have always been reluctant in adopting what they perceive to be external, from outside, a stranger. We take no time in attaching the notion of imposition to anything that we decide to outcaste as outsider. There are many instances of such behavior. For example, our Jirga system, which has been used as a consultative process for decision making for centuries, has the basic elements of a democracy. However, despite this traditional heritage, upon which democratization efforts could stand, we treat democracy as an imposed external system in total disregard of our traditions.
I can relate to the fear that drives this reluctance. Fear of losing what we consider is our identity: our culture. This fear feeds on our lack of knowledge of the unknown. We have a stereotypical image of western democracy. This image is based on what we see through western media, movies, television, and internet files. Our perception of democracy feeds on the understanding of western societies gained through movies. A majority of Afghans think that Americans have no family values and religious beliefs, women and men have illicit sexual relations in public, families encourage their children to leave their homes as early as possible, and students do not respect their teachers, take drugs and alcohol and party all day and night. And many Afghans will be left shocked to see that none of this happens in the US, not at least in Cambridge. I am still trying to make peace with the fact that many Americans that I have met here are more religious than I have ever been. This fear of unknown can be overwhelmed only by getting to know the unknown. But the process has to begin with a thirst for knowledge, readiness for learning and openness for being challenged.
The condition of the people of Afghanistan in dealing with this problem is characterized by reluctance to do the transition. Looking at the national debate over the problem of excessive spending on weddings one can gauge the national level of frustration with the status quo and the desire for change. What remains unknown to our people is the direction of change, something that real leadership must help people in finding.
The barrier to progress in the face of this challenging shift in values is exactly what Dean Williams calls the “chain of valuable jewelry” in Real Leadership. What ties our hands, legs and necks are chains of gold, which we wear at weddings in an attempt to show our wealth, our happiness and our capital, and to hide our pain, our problems and the debts we have to pay. We are so tied to pretence and appearance that we buy fake golden jewelry and lie to literally everyone telling them it is original gold. We, as a nation, have to say our farewells to our desire for gold and mean it, if we want to secure the promise of future.
Let us consider and discuss two scenarios and the stakes involved in each.
The first scenario would be of leaving things as they are, continuing to do nothing about it or applying only technical solutions to this adaptive challenge. In doing so, our future will remain to be at stake as we will continue to spend more than we earn; and as a result, we will continue to suffer from a dearth of resources in key areas of health, education and shelter, i.e. we may never own a house, pay for our children’s higher education or have a healthy life because we have spent all resources and are spending the current resources on paying the debt; the health of married life and the institution of family would be at stake because parents will always be indebted, will always have to work hard, and therefore have less time to spend with each other and with the children, be less happy, be less productive and therefore fight more or get divorced; the psychological health of women would be at stake because their husbands will blame them as the source of the misfortune for their entire lives, causing increased domestic violence; the psychological health of children in those families would be at stake because they will witness family tension all their lives and grow to be unhealthy citizens, with fewer productive capacities and therefore reduced ability to contribute back to the society. And this brings us back to our future being at stake.
The second scenario would be to take measures to address this adaptive challenge. This scenario will have two sub scenarios. Sub-scenario 1 is made of counterfeit leadership in the system, putting false tasks in front of the people. A couple of provincial governors and tribal leaders organized mass weddings in their respective provinces. They covered all the expenses of a wedding where tens of couples got married at once. This initiative received praise from most factions in society. However, I think it put false tasks in front of the people. It encouraged poor families to remain and appear even poorer in order to qualify for the next round of mass weddings. It encouraged resourceful families and individuals to gain social praise by paying for mass weddings. In any case it did not promote the idea of saving, let alone stopping waste of financial resources, thus not addressing the challenge of spending huge sums of money on a one day event. The emphasis remained to be on spending today and depending on “God” for tomorrow.
Sub-scenario 2 is about real leadership in addressing this adaptive challenge. The force behind this adaptive work should not be the government, provincial governors, international community, tribal leaders, industrialists, resourceful individuals or even parents. This problem is the problem of young couples, and only they should carry the load of the work on this front. Other factions of society can support, but cannot be the main force behind this value shift. The work in the center belongs to youth in Afghanistan, and real leadership in addressing this challenge must come from youth, who make 2/3 of Afghan population.
Their numbers renders the job easier, but resistance to adaptive work will be strong. Many factions will resist this change: the wedding industry to save profit; parents to ensure the realization of their dream of seeing their daughters in expensive bridal dress and young girl for similar reasons; and elders to prevent independent decision making by youth. But what future generations of Afghanistan will gain from this value shift is priceless: secure future, improved access to basic services such as health, education and shelter, improved family environment, reduced levels of domestic violence and improved psychological conditions of women and children. The promise in this adaptive work can bring a win-win situation, but only in the long run, thus requiring patience, patience, patience.
Real leadership in this situation must not only address the fears of the resisting factions, but also help youth as the force behind the process of change to realize the reasons that render this journey necessary. For youth to appreciate the significance of this shift, they must first fully comprehend the depth of the problem they are in. They must be helped in realizing that it is not just about them, about money or the debt cycle they get trapped in. It is about their entire existence, today and tomorrow included. And that it is not just about one person, hundred individuals or even a million. It is about the fate of the entire nation that can be changed with this shift in value. It is very important for youth to act logically and not out of sheer emotional outbursts, which can appear strong, but only as much as, and as long as, appearances can count. They have to own the reasons that stand behind this value shift, not just because as an individual they want to get out of this cycle, but because as an Afghan they realize its potential positive impact on their society at large. Developing a law and imposing it on the country is the last thing that a real leader should do. It is very easy to fall into the trap of legislative work as a first step towards change. Laws cannot work without first preparing grounds for them. One possible way of working this out is to pilot change in certain areas, with relatively less resistance and higher rate of support, followed by planned monitoring of pilot cases in order to publicize their success case stories through effective use of media, including social media.
It is critical for the real leader to identify parts of the culture that must be preserved. Our capacity to bond in and bridge over, our social connectedness, our sense of solidarity to share pain and sense of responsibility to share joy are priceless. Adopting a strategy that ensures the identification of to-be-preserved cultural values, followed by an act of explicitly and clearly conveying the purposes of that strategy to the population is very important in winning over factions resistant to change. And last but not the least, a real leader must act on his own advice to others, must be what he wants others to be, must do what he persuades others to do. One of the reasons that rendered the initiative of mass weddings to be examples of counterfeit leadership was that the individuals behind the initiative lacked every element of symbolizing the change they were asking others to embrace. Their weddings and other ceremonies had even higher numbers of guests; their electoral campaigns were a series of lavish lunches and dinners with the basic purpose of buying votes. They acted exactly opposite to their words.
As is with all processes of adaptive work, real leaders must be patient, allow time for the masses to learn, realize, adopt, adapt, build, support, fulfill, sustain and proceed towards change. Transition challenges cannot be dealt with overnight. Real leaders must not wait for every individual to learn their hard lessons learned the hard way. They must act fast, but be patient for results.