I recently read an article recommended by another twin mom that was written by an identical twin himself. I felt that his article focused only on the negative parts of being a twin. And although I didn't care for the article, it did present some interesting questions about raising twins.
Birth Order
The twin in this article shared that he and his twin were never told who was born first. He recommended doing the same for all twins. He said this allowed he and his brother to be on an even playing field in terms of family hierarchy. While I understand this logic, I have to say I disagree. I believe that birth order is an important part of who you become and your place in your family. Logan & Jack are not cognizant of the fact that Logan was born first. However Logan fills the classic older brother role and always has. It's who he is. To deny him that title would be to deny part of who he is. That, to me, is as bad as thinking of him only in terms of his twinship with Jack and not as the individual he is.
Different Classes
The author recommended different classes in school for twins. This is something I agree with. If our boys do end up in public school (not home school) I will put them in separate classes. I think this is the best way to assure that their teachers get to know them for who they are and don't see them as "the Cunningham twins", which is more likely because they are identical.
Individuality
The author also said that it's important to raise your twins with the knowledge that being a twin is part of who they are, but not what defines them. This is not as easy as it sounds. It is something I struggle with. I enjoy the small celebrity that having twins affords me. The comments at the store, the adoring glances by folks at the park, the special feeling I get knowing that identical twins only occur in 3 of 1,000 births. While I do enjoy the attention I get while out and about with the boys, when we are at home or with family & friends, I feel that the boys are treated completely as individuals. They each have their own likes and dislikes, favorite foods & movies, distinct from one another, and my relationship with each of my sons is unique. How I respond to Jack when he cries is not how I respond when Logan cries. I know that each boy has his own preferences and needs.
In this same vein, I have worked hard to teach the boys their own names and their brothers' name. I teach them to correct people who mistake them for each other. They even correct me! I will say, "Logan, stop doing that!" And Logan (who is in fact not the one being naughty) will turn to me and say, "I mean Jack!" intending for me to repeat him.
Dressing alike is one area where I just can't help myself. I love dressing them alike. I honestly think I would do this regardless of having twins or not. My own mother dressed my sister and I alike throughout our childhood, and we were four years apart! I will say that lately I find myself much more lax about this. The boys often pick out their own clothes, and always pick out their own pajamas. So I think my days of matchy-matchy boys are limited. Which means that I am enjoying them while they last!
According to this article, studies have shown that identical twins brains actually do work alike, which is why twins tend to get along so well. It is also part of why it's difficult to treat twins differently, because they are just so darned alike! But that doesn't mean that we should stop trying.
What I'd like you to know:
I don't see what you see when you look at my sons.
I see two individuals.
In fact, I often forget they are even twins.
When you ask how I tell them apart, and I can't answer you, I am not trying to act superior. I really can't tell you how I can. If I really had to put it into words it would sound so far-fetched. I feel that I can see their souls, their essence, in their eyes. Their eyes have always been how I tell them apart.
(Although others have told me that Logan's face is rounder, whereas Jack's is longer. Also, Jack has a cowlick in the front that causes his hair to go to the side on his forehead. And Jack has about two inches and four pounds on Logan. And if they're naked, Jack has an innie belly button whereas Logan has an outie from a self-healed umbilical hernia.)
Hands down, best twin book I ever read was One and the Same: My Life as an Identical Twin and What I've Learned About Everyone's Struggle to be Singular by Abigail Pogrebin. I highly recommend it to all who are fascinated by twins.
Identical twins are just that- identical. As in, identical DNA and identical blood. They do have individual fingerprints, but everything else is exactly the same.
Identical twinning is spontaneous. It just happens. It is not from fertility treatment. No one knows why it happens, and it does not run in families.
The only way to know for sure if twins are identical or fraternal (barring opposite sex twins) is to test their DNA. (As we did here.) Even identical twins can have their own placentas, as my boys did. This is dependent on how early the egg splits. The earlier the split, the less the twins share; the later the split, the more the twins share.
My boys are mirror twins. One quarter of identical twins are mirror twins. This means their hair whorls go opposite directions; Logan is left handed & Jack is right handed; and their more dominant dimples are on opposite cheeks.
A twin pregnancy is not a walk in the park (bedrest is often necessary and your body is pushed to its limits), delivery of multiples is trying at best (be it vaginal birth times two or a c-section), but by far the hardest part of having twins is the first year. Namely the first three months. It truly took at least a year for Josh and I to get to the point where being a sudden family of four felt normal and we got a handle on our lives again. So when you tell us that you always wished you'd had twins, try not to think of us as bitter when we give you a contrite smile and start walking away. You have no idea what it is like to be at two infants' beck and call unless you have been there. (Oh, and having two babies close to the same age is not the same as twins... Just so we're clear!)
Raising twins is not for the faint of heart. It takes resolve, organization and dedication to both promoting their individuality and their special twin relationship, which at times can feel quite contradictory.
Am I doing it right? Only time will tell. But if I screw it all up, it certainly won't be for a lack of effort!