- Oops. My psychiatrist didn't tell me that one reversible affect of Zoloft is memory impairment. In the summer of my mom's decline, I watched short-termed memory turn into not remembering to care, not remembering to want to get well. I'm having some insights into this as a result.
- The streets of Brooklyn are passable for cars but barely for foot traffic and deliveries -- or, in this case, pick up. The sidewalks are already challenged with high heaps of crummy-looking snow but they not have several days of trash, recycling & tree corpses. There is enough ice that Daisy has a hard time finding purchase to take a dump. The recycling, however, never ceases to fascinate. Champagne bottles overflow recycling cans. "My First Harley" -- with lights, horn & whatnot -- screams TOO MUCH MONEY and TERROR ON THE PROMENADE.
- I took an odd way back from school to Times Square this morning and found a shop full of old, odd bits of sterling silver. Also the bar when Boss #2 first pulled my hair & scuffed my shoes stamping on my feet. This city is full of ghosts -- Dublin 1790, psychotic bosses, dwindling Christmas, high rolling days of the early 2000s, my erstwhile brain.
- I'm titrating on to Prozac. I am stupid & clumsy & took my first spill in school this morning. Will I sprain an ankle again? I feel fragile.
- Monday & Wednesday class at 8 a.m. My fellow-commuters are in Carharts & steel-toed boots. It's refreshing.
- My nephew speaks of 2012 as being a more personal year. I found a gluten-free pizza place, Rob. Hurry up.
- I am tired unto death of dragging my brain, my my sadness, my body through life. Daisy seemed pretty happy with her Uncle Gerry while I was away at Xmas.
- Prozac makes it hard to eat.
- I might catch up on bills tomorrow. Maybe even Xmas cards.
- In the end, I couldn't see him. We were on opposite sides of Phoenix's big valley, I can barely leave the house, & I knew seeing him would make me bawl. Thinking of him makes me cry. Can a heart be cauterized??
- Too much chick lit over the holidays. It's changing over the years from goofy Bridget to Knickerbocker Wanna-bes.
- I want to kick the city-farm/dress shop of Facebook. I could learn German, clean my house, figure out my cameras and my iPod in three days of cold turkey imaginary living.
- I almost need to be fat to match my moods. I'm dragging so much regret, loneliness, futility & heartbreak around that the painful pounds seem fitting.
- Or do they simply feed one another?
- Three more people died over the holidays -- two in-laws & a classmate from St. Anthony's.
- I miss K.
- Will I ever give a dinner party with my own china again??
- Can one cauterize a chronic lump in one's throat?
- Winter will get worse before it gets better.
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