Dear George,I am becoming extremely concerned. One of my humans seems to have morphed into a new subspecies. It was a smallish retarded kitten taking years to learn how to walk, then becoming a chubbier version of its parents. But now it has shot up in size and its behaviour has changed. The excessive vocalisation of the normal human has changed to grunts. It has dermatological problems on its face - in a word, zits. And it spends hours in its room playing disgustingly loud music. It is also challenging the adults for a top place in the dominance hierarchy. Is there anything I can do to restore harmony in the home.
Love Riley
Dear Riley,
You have two alternatives - leave home or wait. In view of the fact that it is winter in the UK, I suggest the latter. We cats are good at waiting. We do it at mouseholes in order to get out daily meals if we live in the wild. All humans are retards compared with cats, but the teenager subspecies is particularly retarded. It is as if it has forgotten what it learned as a kitten.
The subspecies also has sex on its mind all the time. Yes, disgusting as it is, all the time. We cats wait till the females come into season before getting the mating urge. Teenagers have it all the time. Some of them call it "romance". But they are completely at the mercy of their hormones. The loud music has something to do with this but feline neuroscientists have not yet discovered exactly what is going on.
Avoid the teenager's territory. The room will probably smell awful anyway - of sweat and old socks if it is a male, or of revolting artificial perfume if it is a female. Why humans choose these overwhelming pheromones is beyond me. But I suppose it is something to do with the fact that they have a very poor sense of smell, poor things. We have about seven times as many olfactory cells and twice the olfactory membrane of Homo sapiens.
Goodness knows, Riley, humans are dumb creatures. But the teenage subspecies is even dumber. Hang on in there till summer
Love George
P.S. I have to stand and mew at Celia while she puts this on via the Orange dongle.