Name?
My PROPER name is Salem, but they all call me Fatty. Yes, the vet advised me to lose a little weight when I was younger, but that was only kitten-fat and it’s all just my voluminous belly fur now. Fur, I tell you.
Nicknames?
Creature. Pudden. Pud. Puskin. Boody. Munchkin. Pusk. Fusker. Fatster. Fatso. Etc. (that’s not a nickname)
Age?
9-ish but I don’t look a day over 4. Especially when I go to sleep with the tip of my cute pink tongue sticking out.
Owner?
Fiona.
Catchphrase?
Brrrrreum? (this translates as ‘I want food/letting out/letting in/picking up/I don’t know what I want but I feel vaguely dissatisfied with life and want you to come downstairs and ask me what’s wrong’ – repeat until achieve desired result).
Favourite habits?
Lying on open newspapers, accurately targeting the article that is currently being read. Beating up my sister who looks at me funny. Interrupting HER meditation and getting HER to stroke me before the timer goes. Lying flat on my back with my belly up and four paws in the air. Don’t touch my stomach!
What constitutes a perfect evening for you?
Catching and eating a small creature whole (but leaving that organ that tastes horrible) before curling up on HER lap, listening to Nick Drake and falling asleep to dream of eating small creatures and eating them whole (but leaving that organ that tastes horrible).
Favourite food?
Anything that makes a vegetarian’s stomach turn, especially tuna. (My sister goes mad for fudge).
Defining moment of your life?
Having a poem written about me.
Any enemies?
That mean white farm cat who keeps making me bleed. I think he was cross-bred with a puma or something.
If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines, what would it be?
Abolishing cat biscuits for breakfast, even if SHE does think meat smells disgusting in the mornings. Or maybe abolishing nylon – I can’t bear the feeling of synthetic fibres underneath my paws.
If you could meet a celebrity who would it be and why?
Jabba The Hut. I’m told I’m the spitting image of him when I sit back and wash my lower belly.
Which one of the cats in Under The Paw would you like to be stuck in a lift with?
The Bear. I think we could be mates.
Brief biography?
A successful early career as cutest kitten. Further cuteness success when I pat HER on the hand whilst she’s typing to encourage stroking, or put a paw around HER arm for a proper cathug. Less success in cat fights – even when I did leap ninja-like into the air above a ditch with my former nemesis – but I still think I’m the hardest. Currently curled into a ball with my catnip mouse.
For more info about the writing of Fatty's human, visit www.fionarobyn.com.
