I want to talk about something a little controversial...
I have been reading a lot about Jon & Kate ever since I heard their show will no longer be Jon & Kate Plus 8, but simply Kate Plus 8. I am honestly heartbroken for her that her family fell apart. Sure, she was not innocent in the demise of her marriage, we all play an important part in our relationships, but I do feel that she would have been willing to try counseling or something, whereas Jon was ready to be done.
But I am not here to defend Kate.
Or Jon.
I am here to talk about their divorce, their children & the challenges they faced as parents of multiples. When I tried to look around on the internet for statistics, what I found instead was site after site of people talking about how Kate used parenting her multiples as a copout for her divorce.
I disagree.
Josh & I were the happiest married couple I know for the first five years of our marriage. Lost jobs, stolen cars, hospitalizations, crazy college classes & opposite schedules never fazed us.
These TWO boys, on the other hand, have turned our relationship from enjoyment mode to survival mode. We are both just scrambling to get our jobs, schoolwork & housework done. And above all- to get the boys' needs met. I honestly think you could not understand the pressure unless you have multiples.
If a couple has one baby, they can take turns. Mommy can leave for an afternoon "with the girls" and not have any guilt for leaving her husband drowning in a sea of screams & diapers. These singleton parents can go to the park, play with the baby, AND visit. When we go to the park, it's every man for himself. We both have to chase babies. There is no leisurely visiting. Especially at this age.
Parents of singletons can spend time with their one baby & not feel guilt for having left the other one out. Parents of singletons have at least half the laundry, half the bottle washing, and half the cost of basic necessities.
I don't want to appear bitter. I love the boys. I am blessed to be their mother and would NEVER trade them. But my love for them does not take away the challenge they have provided for Josh & msyelf within our marriage. We struggle to get out of the house on weekends without the kids because we are using our sitters during the week and do not want to burn them out.
In a nutshell, with our work & class schedules, plus the boys & no date nights, I can see quite easily how a marriage could fall apart if both parties were not focused on making it work.
The tricky part is that it happens slowly. Our boys are 16 months old. Over the last year and four months, days have gone by where we haven't hugged or held hands. Things that used to happen naturally (making Josh's lunches for him, Josh taking out the trash for me) now take a backseat to more urgent demands (poopy diapers, naughty climbers, biting brothers).
Every day we have to make the choice to stop, look each other in the eyes, and say "I love you." This morning we woke up late, fed the boys, got ready, loaded the car, put the boys in their carseats, and each got in our cars. As I started my car up, there was a knock on my window. Josh wanted to give me the goodbye kiss we had forgotten. It's the small moments like that that make me thankful for him, and remind me that we have a strong foundation under us, we just need to remember to value each other & make time (if we can) to talk & reconnect.
If we were to let things continue naturally, we would be strangers by the time the boys got old enough for us to spend time alone together again.
Lucky for us, we are both committed to surviving this crazy time in our lives. We are going out (wahoo!) this weekend for dinner & a movie (can you imagine?) while my sister (bless her heart) watches the boys.
We really need this. As do lots of people I know.
Do something for your marriage this weekend.
For the sake of your kids.
For the sake of your husband.
For the sake of your happiness.
I have been reading a lot about Jon & Kate ever since I heard their show will no longer be Jon & Kate Plus 8, but simply Kate Plus 8. I am honestly heartbroken for her that her family fell apart. Sure, she was not innocent in the demise of her marriage, we all play an important part in our relationships, but I do feel that she would have been willing to try counseling or something, whereas Jon was ready to be done.
But I am not here to defend Kate.
Or Jon.
I am here to talk about their divorce, their children & the challenges they faced as parents of multiples. When I tried to look around on the internet for statistics, what I found instead was site after site of people talking about how Kate used parenting her multiples as a copout for her divorce.
I disagree.
Josh & I were the happiest married couple I know for the first five years of our marriage. Lost jobs, stolen cars, hospitalizations, crazy college classes & opposite schedules never fazed us.
These TWO boys, on the other hand, have turned our relationship from enjoyment mode to survival mode. We are both just scrambling to get our jobs, schoolwork & housework done. And above all- to get the boys' needs met. I honestly think you could not understand the pressure unless you have multiples.
If a couple has one baby, they can take turns. Mommy can leave for an afternoon "with the girls" and not have any guilt for leaving her husband drowning in a sea of screams & diapers. These singleton parents can go to the park, play with the baby, AND visit. When we go to the park, it's every man for himself. We both have to chase babies. There is no leisurely visiting. Especially at this age.
Parents of singletons can spend time with their one baby & not feel guilt for having left the other one out. Parents of singletons have at least half the laundry, half the bottle washing, and half the cost of basic necessities.
I don't want to appear bitter. I love the boys. I am blessed to be their mother and would NEVER trade them. But my love for them does not take away the challenge they have provided for Josh & msyelf within our marriage. We struggle to get out of the house on weekends without the kids because we are using our sitters during the week and do not want to burn them out.
In a nutshell, with our work & class schedules, plus the boys & no date nights, I can see quite easily how a marriage could fall apart if both parties were not focused on making it work.
The tricky part is that it happens slowly. Our boys are 16 months old. Over the last year and four months, days have gone by where we haven't hugged or held hands. Things that used to happen naturally (making Josh's lunches for him, Josh taking out the trash for me) now take a backseat to more urgent demands (poopy diapers, naughty climbers, biting brothers).
Every day we have to make the choice to stop, look each other in the eyes, and say "I love you." This morning we woke up late, fed the boys, got ready, loaded the car, put the boys in their carseats, and each got in our cars. As I started my car up, there was a knock on my window. Josh wanted to give me the goodbye kiss we had forgotten. It's the small moments like that that make me thankful for him, and remind me that we have a strong foundation under us, we just need to remember to value each other & make time (if we can) to talk & reconnect.
If we were to let things continue naturally, we would be strangers by the time the boys got old enough for us to spend time alone together again.
Lucky for us, we are both committed to surviving this crazy time in our lives. We are going out (wahoo!) this weekend for dinner & a movie (can you imagine?) while my sister (bless her heart) watches the boys.
We really need this. As do lots of people I know.
Do something for your marriage this weekend.
For the sake of your kids.
For the sake of your husband.
For the sake of your happiness.