1. The glorious monstrosity pictured above was parked in a Kroger parking lot yesterday.
2. I laughed myself stupid when I drove by it.
3. A black 70's Lincoln--with a gold cross covering the oval window--precariously perched on a set of 22s.
4. The phrase you're looking for is Geriatric Pimp-mobile.
5. Also Word To Your Grandmother.
6. And maybe Street Cred--it's not just for those under 80.
7. And yeah, I know the owner of the car is probably some nineteen year old guy who thinks he looks FLY cruising for chicks in the Kroger parking lot with his ancient catholicized (Remember the gold cross?) Lincoln bouncing to the beat of Eminem on his 22s...
8. Speaking of cruising the Kroger parking lot (Yeah, it happens. What better place to find women than a grocery store? Makes perfect sense.), I went grocery shopping late Sunday night and was treated to the site of two of the coolest teenage boys EVER.
9. They were cruising Kroger in their mom's mini-van.
10. Mini-van.
11. With both sliding doors wide open.
12. So everyone could hear Rasheeda sing "My Bubblegum."
13. Teenage boys + mini van + silly song by female artist = cool?
14. I began to put two and two together.
15. I have a mini van.
16. With two sliding doors.
17. And a radio.
18. It's not too late to be cool! Of course, as a matter of pride, I'll have to crank a far different song. No way I would be caught listening to something proclaiming I'm the kind of girl you take home to your mama and you know you want to chew up all my bubblegum.
19. I promise you if you chew up all my bubblegum, I'm coming after you with a spork.
20. I'd crank Disturbed instead.
21. I can see it now: 35 year old mother of three cruising the parking lot (groceries safely installed in the trunk), both sliding doors open, with Indestructible pounding through my speakers--every teenage boy in the vicinity would implode from the sheer wrongness of it all.
22. Yeah, that's all I've got for you today. *grabs van keys and heads out to screw with people's heads*