Hello Cords,This letter is addressed to all of you even though it is directed only at particular members of your alliance, namely: iPod headphones cord, iPod charger cord, venetian blinds cord and sweatpants drawstring. �
I am tiring of your�shenanigans. �Just yesterday, I went looking for you, iPod headphones cord, because I had the urge to discreetly listen to music. �When I found you, you were lasciviously wrapped around iPod charger cord even though I had put you away neatly coiled around yourself. � I apologize if I did not make it clear that I expected you to stay that way. �I guess I didn't realize that you were retarded and completely unable to pick up on subtleties. �Allow me to spell it out for you: K-E-E-P �Y-O-U-R �C-O-I-L-S �T-O �Y-O-U-R-S-E-L-F. �
I know that you are wildly attracted to iPod charger cord, but Christ man, try to respect my feelings a little. � Contorting yourselves into every position in the Kama Sutra simultaneously makes it really hard to separate you when I need to use one of you. �It is also uncomfortable for the other things on my desk. �
Venetian blinds cord, your narcissism is alarming. �Your almost pathological autoeroticism is beginning to impact your work performance. �I called upon you today to open the blinds only to find that you were irreversibly tangled up in an orgy for one. �I spent the better part of the morning trying to straighten you out, but despite my best efforts, you are still all kinky. �I may be forced to use the scissors if I cannot get through to you. �It is really fucking sunny and I am losing my patience!
Sweatpants drawstring, just being in the privacy of the washing machine does not make it okay to rape the other clothing. �My underwear and socks do not appreciate being forced into a three-way with you. �I do not appreciate having to rescue my underwear and socks from said three-way. � �And don't get all pouty and retreat into the waistband of my sweatpants - it won't change the fact that I am mad at you. �
A message to all of the cords in my household: �These four offenders have been found guilty of lewd acts that I know all of you are capable and willing to commit should the opportunity present itself (I am especially talking to you, Christmas lights). �Please take note of the repercussions inherent in these actions before you decide to act upon your impulses. �
Good day!
-Allie