Microwave, we need to get a few things straight here.� First and foremost, five consecutive beeps is more than enough to alert me that you have finished cooking what I�ve asked you to cook.� I swear to God, you beep louder than anything has ever beeped before.� At 6:00 AM, this kind of behavior is alarming and unnecessary.�
Another point of contention is that button of yours marked �time.�� If I want you to cook something, I cannot just start pressing number buttons.� No, that would be too simple.� Instead, you force me to verify that I am indeed planning on using the number buttons as an indication of how long I expect you to nuke my food.� Is this step really necessary?� I cannot be expected to remember this requirement of yours at the aforementioned hour of 6 in the morning, and I just end up fumbling confusedly with your buttons until I remember �oh yeah, the microwave can�t understand even the simplest directions until I press �time,�� which makes me even more irritated and unable to handle your ludicrous beeping.�
�You also seem to misunderstand the meaning of �defrost.�� When I ask you to defrost something, it means that I want you to make it unfrozen enough to cook on the stove (which, by the way, is way better at its job than you.)� It does not mean that I want you to cook the shit out of a quarter-sized portion of my flank steak while leaving the rest completely frozen.� Are you high? Why would I want you to do that?�
Additionally, you seem to define a �day� differently than I do.� Where I come from, a day is equal to exactly 24 hours, but you seem to be under the impression that 24 hours and 58 seconds is an acceptable approximation.� I assure you, it is not.� You have a clock in your stupid face for a reason:� to help me tell time so that I may be punctual in my activities.� When you get sloppy and lose track of a minute every day, it really adds up.� This is especially troublesome because I was brought up to believe that clocks should not be doubted in their ability to track the passage of time.� I trusted you, and you let me down.� I know that being off by 17 minutes doesn�t seem like much to you because you are a microwave and your life doesn�t involve going places and doing things, but as a human, 17 minutes can mean the difference between getting an A on a lab report and not even being allowed to turn it in.� To put that in perspective, do you remember that time I overcooked that piece of chicken?� Remember how it made you stink for about 19 months?� That piece of chicken was only overcooked for about 2 minutes.�� Are you beginning to grasp the seriousness of this problem?
If you are unwilling or unable to perform the basic functions for which you were designed, I may be forced to replace you. �I feel bad about having to get rid of you, but I can�t exactly keep an annoying chunk of beeping plastic around just for sentimentality and I could really use the counter space. �
So now the ball is in your court, Microwave. �If you don�t want to end up being a chair for some dump-dwelling vagrant, I would suggest that you reevaluate your behavior. �
Sincerely,
Allie
