You're new to hell, and you're given a choice: You can go directly to the fourth circle, or you can play simultaneous chess games against Alexander Alekhine and Aron Nimzowitsch.
Alekhine always plays black and smokes a pipe of brimstone. Nimzowitsch plays white and wears cufflinks made of human teeth. Neither has ever lost.
If you can manage even a draw against either player, you'll be set free. But if they both beat you, you'll go to the eighth circle for eternity.
What should you do?
(Answer in the comments section - full credit to Futility Closet)