Did you hear Dr. Ruth Westheimer talking about "Sex, Humor and Happiness" on NPR's Morning Edition April 24, 2007? If you missed it, you can listen to it here. Dr. Ruth's latest book is Dr. Ruth's Sex After 50: Revving Up Your Romance, Passion & Excitement!
Dr. Ruth, age 78, says that despite the cultural changes in sexual awareness and knowledge, she still gets asked all the same questions, and she would like women to be more open about communicating their needs to a lover. "Even the best lover can't bring a woman to orgasm if she doesn't teach him what she needs," she says.
That's expecially true as we get older. Women who have been in long term, joyful, sexy relationships with partners who knew exactly how to please them sometimes tell me that they just aren't responding the way they used to, even when a partner is doing exactly what used to send them into orbit. They worry that maybe they aren't interested in sex any more, and perhaps they should settle into a comfortable but sexless love life.
That might be fine, if both partners would be happy with that (ah, there's the rub!). But many women and men who talk me express that they really miss the heightened connection with their partner, the electrified responses they used to feel to his or her touch, and the crashing waves of release. And they miss the eager joy of anticipating sex. As one woman told me, "I want my sweet tooth back."
So how do we get that back, if we've lost it? First, we need to learn what these new, aging bodies need. We need to let go of the old "this used to work!" and learn what works now, exploring both alone and with our partner. Then when we understand better what elicits our responses -- what kind of touch, what kind of ambience, whatever it is for us -- we need to communicate this clearly, kindly, and helpfully to our partner.
I know I've just brushed the surface of this topic. We'll keep talking about this.